Colbert Mocks Excuses for Biden’s Debate Performance: Does Kamala Harris Need to Clock in as ‘Night President?’

COLBERT Keep in mind ░░░░░░░░ in mind Joe called ░░░░░░░░ this debate it s ░░░░░░░░ earliest they ve ever ░░░░░░░░ a presidential debate And ░░░░░░░░ into it all Joe ░░░░░░░░ to do was allay ░░░░░░░░ s fears that he ░░░░░░░░ too old But instead ░░░░░░░░ s shakiness allowed Trump ░░░░░░░░ get away with 90 ░░░░░░░░ of lies racism and ░░░░░░░░ golf brags which is ░░░░░░░░ a lot of people ░░░░░░░░ saying this was the ░░░░░░░░ debate performance of all ░░░░░░░░ But I don t ░░░░░░░░ that s fair I ░░░░░░░░ that Biden debated as ░░░░░░░░ as Abraham Lincoln if ░░░░░░░░ dug him up right ░░░░░░░░ Now what makes of ░░░░░░░░ worse what makes all ░░░░░░░░ this so painful is ░░░░░░░░ much Biden had been ░░░░░░░░ himself up going into ░░░░░░░░ debate His campaign even ░░░░░░░░ selling something called Dark ░░░░░░░░ s secret sauce with ░░░░░░░░ tagline Get yourself the ░░░░░░░░ performance enhancers Joe Biden ░░░░░░░░ before going on stage ░░░░░░░░ is in Dark Brandon ░░░░░░░░ secret sauce evidently Biden ░░░░░░░░ to drink it out ░░░░░░░░ that chalice from Indiana ░░░░░░░░ and the Last Crusade ░░░░░░░░ chose poorly Now after ░░░░░░░░ debate Biden s team ░░░░░░░░ to put out the ░░░░░░░░ with a bucket of ░░░░░░░░ telling reporters that the ░░░░░░░░ s weak performance was ░░░░░░░░ he had a cold ░░░░░░░░ I hate those summer ░░░░░░░░ where your voice gets ░░░░░░░░ and your brain explodes ░░░░░░░░ Another issue was that ░░░░░░░░ the debate Biden looked ░░░░░░░░ little less than fresh ░░░░░░░░ his aides had an ░░░░░░░░ taking full responsibility for ░░░░░░░░ pale makeup Pale makeup ░░░░░░░░ work for Joe Biden ░░░░░░░░ do you even own ░░░░░░░░ makeup He s already ░░░░░░░░ 81 year old Irishman ░░░░░░░░ s bleep translucent You ░░░░░░░░ could read The New ░░░░░░░░ Times through him but ░░░░░░░░ wouldn t recommend it ░░░░░░░░ they re telling him ░░░░░░░░ drop out And they ░░░░░░░░ not alone After the ░░░░░░░░ tons of people in ░░░░░░░░ media and in his ░░░░░░░░ have been calling for ░░░░░░░░ to drop out So ░░░░░░░░ president huddled with his ░░░░░░░░ children and grandchildren up ░░░░░░░░ Camp David where they ░░░░░░░░ him to stay in ░░░░░░░░ race and expressed interest ░░░░░░░░ getting more involved with ░░░░░░░░ campaign perhaps by talking ░░░░░░░░ influencers on social media ░░░░░░░░ There it is Social ░░░░░░░░ Biden just has to ░░░░░░░░ viral Which explains his ░░░░░░░░ Middle East peace proposal ░░░░░░░░ gotta give it that ░░░░░░░░ tuah spit on that ░░░░░░░░ Applause You didn t ░░░░░░░░ No Okay With his ░░░░░░░░ behind him it was ░░░░░░░░ for damage control Biden ░░░░░░░░ by holding a meeting ░░░░░░░░ democratic governors where he ░░░░░░░░ concerns about his health ░░░░░░░░ he was fine but ░░░░░░░░ adding It s just ░░░░░░░░ brain Cheering and Applause ░░░░░░░░ good It s just ░░░░░░░░ brain And that sound ░░░░░░░░ just my sphincter clenching ░░░░░░░░ tight I think I ░░░░░░░░ made a diamond Then ░░░░░░░░ Just needed a little ░░░░░░░░ time everybody Cheering and ░░░░░░░░ Then Joe assured the ░░░░░░░░ that he knows what ░░░░░░░░ wrong saying he needs ░░░░░░░░ sleep Yes He is ░░░░░░░░ experts call ty ty ░░░░░░░░ guess you could say ░░░░░░░░ s sleepy Joe Audience ░░░░░░░░ Sorry To keep his ░░░░░░░░ up Biden told the ░░░░░░░░ that he now plans ░░░░░░░░ stop scheduling events after ░░░░░░░░ 00 P M 8 ░░░░░░░░ P M So the ░░░░░░░░ dinners are all gonna ░░░░░░░░ early bird specials Joe ░░░░░░░░ is really going to ░░░░░░░░ to bed before Tracker ░░░░░░░░ He ll find a ░░░░░░░░ Applause I might lie ░░░░░░░░ again That felt good ░░░░░░░░ which 8 00 P ░░░░░░░░ sir East Coast West ░░░░░░░░ Moscow The world does ░░░░░░░░ stop at 8 00 ░░░░░░░░ M Is Kamala Harris ░░░░░░░░ to have to clock ░░░░░░░░ as night president By ░░░░░░░░ way coming this fall ░░░░░░░░ CBS Night President She ░░░░░░░░ America Safe After Dark ░░░░░░░░ to be confused with ░░░░░░░░ President starring Tom Selleck ░░░░░░░░ president Lancelot I would ░░░░░░░░ that I would watch ░░░░░░░░ in minute.”