Colbert: ‘Worst Day for Stock Market Since Covid, This Time, He’s [Trump] the Disease’

COLBERT How ya doin ░░░░░░░░ feeling liberated Cause uh ░░░░░░░░ Yeah Today was the ░░░░░░░░ day of trading on ░░░░░░░░ Street since Trump slathered ░░░░░░░░ economy in honey and ░░░░░░░░ it down next to ░░░░░░░░ fire ant hill and ░░░░░░░░ Dow Jones nosedived 1700 ░░░░░░░░ Audience boos Joining the ░░░░░░░░ P and NASDAQ in ░░░░░░░░ their biggest drops since ░░░░░░░░ So worst day for ░░░░░░░░ economy since Covid Just ░░░░░░░░ little reminder This time ░░░░░░░░ s the disease Cheering ░░░░░░░░ Applause Has anyone and ░░░░░░░░ m just spitballin here ░░░░░░░░ anyone thought about injecting ░░░░░░░░ money with bleach Now ░░░░░░░░ bit of good news ░░░░░░░░ out of all this ░░░░░░░░ s all pretty solid ░░░░░░░░ there is no deep ░░░░░░░░ Cause if there was ░░░░░░░░ would ve stopped this ░░░░░░░░ Okay But if they ░░░░░░░░ exist I just want ░░░░░░░░ say to the cabal ░░░░░░░░ financial and governmental elites ░░░░░░░░ pull all the strings ░░░░░░░░ the scenes maybe put ░░░░░░░░ pause on your 5G ░░░░░░░░ JFK jr Adrenochrome chem ░░░░░░░░ orgy and jump in ░░░░░░░░ cause we re bleep ░░░░░░░░ Fidelio Fidelio Cheering and ░░░░░░░░ Today s smoldering economic ░░░░░░░░ incinerated everything from crude ░░░░░░░░ to Big Tech stocks ░░░░░░░░ only company doing well ░░░░░░░░ proud folks at downarrow ░░░░░░░░ Laughter Jim can we ░░░░░░░░ their stock price Incredible ░░░░░░░░ hardest hit were any ░░░░░░░░ that manufactures their products ░░░░░░░░ in Asia This morning ░░░░░░░░ shares fell by almost ░░░░░░░░ Puma shares plummeted 11 ░░░░░░░░ tariffs wiped out 13 ░░░░░░░░ in Nike market value ░░░░░░░░ plunged 20 and H ░░░░░░░░ fell 3 This is ░░░░░░░░ news for our bralette ░░░░░░░░ Now where will Americans ░░░░░░░░ fun flirty tops without ░░░░░░░░ tyranny of underwire We ░░░░░░░░ never go from lounge ░░░░░░░░ party so seamlessly again ░░░░░░░░ tariffs are going to ░░░░░░░░ prices on everything Especially ░░░░░░░░ that are not plentiful ░░░░░░░░ like coffee Well I ░░░░░░░░ we ll just switch ░░░░░░░░ America s favorite coffee ░░░░░░░░ meth In case anybody ░░░░░░░░ asking I take mine ░░░░░░░░ cream and two teeth ░░░░░░░░ popular thing we don ░░░░░░░░ grow here Chocolate So ░░░░░░░░ ready for America s ░░░░░░░░ new candy M M ░░░░░░░░ Oops All Shells It ░░░░░░░░ like a flavorless skittle ░░░░░░░░ because of tariffs against ░░░░░░░░ we re going to ░░░░░░░░ to pay more for ░░░░░░░░ reggiano No No dammit ░░░░░░░░ will not go back ░░░░░░░░ the green shaker of ░░░░░░░░ dust that America has ░░░░░░░░ balls to call parm ░░░░░░░░ m not interested in ░░░░░░░░ eggplant a la dandruff ░░░░░░░░ that s it That ░░░░░░░░ it Over a century ░░░░░░░░ economic policy dumped in ░░░░░░░░ ditch for no coherent ░░░░░░░░ And what s the ░░░░░░░░ doing He s jetting ░░░░░░░░ to Florida to watch ░░░░░░░░ Audience boos Wait a ░░░░░░░░ Hold on Maybe that ░░░░░░░░ the whole problem Mr ░░░░░░░░ you know that the ░░░░░░░░ market s not like ░░░░░░░░ right You re not ░░░░░░░░ to get the lowest ░░░░░░░░ possible.”