Steve Martin Proclaims He’s SNL’s ‘Newest Diversity Hire,’ Orders ICE Agents to Deport Martin Short Who’s Canadian

ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen ░░░░░░░░ Martin Cheering and Applause ░░░░░░░░ Thank you Good evening ░░░░░░░░ welcome to the 50th ░░░░░░░░ of Saturday Night Live ░░░░░░░░ m Steve Martin Saturday ░░░░░░░░ Live s newest diversity ░░░░░░░░ And what a thrill ░░░░░░░░ is to be here ░░░░░░░░ I heard that SNL ░░░░░░░░ to do an anniversary ░░░░░░░░ I literally wanted to ░░░░░░░░ into the air And ░░░░░░░░ only reason I didn ░░░░░░░░ is because at the ░░░░░░░░ I was wearing a ░░░░░░░░ skirt with no underwear ░░░░░░░░ Now I can t ░░░░░░░░ I can t believe ░░░░░░░░ even made it here ░░░░░░░░ time It was only ░░░░░░░░ few days ago that ░░░░░░░░ told me I was ░░░░░░░░ the monologue and I ░░░░░░░░ actually vacationing on a ░░░░░░░░ s boat down in ░░░░░░░░ Gulf of Steve Martin ░░░░░░░░ I finally Laughter It ░░░░░░░░ me a while to ░░░░░░░░ here but I did ░░░░░░░░ Saturday Night Live as ░░░░░░░░ know turned 50 years ░░░░░░░░ this year and I ░░░░░░░░ 79 Cheering and Applause ░░░░░░░░ I feel like I ░░░░░░░░ 65 which is also ░░░░░░░░ good Now seriously I ░░░░░░░░ not mind getting older ░░░░░░░░ you think these hearing ░░░░░░░░ make my ass look ░░░░░░░░ I do Laughter And ░░░░░░░░ m still learning about ░░░░░░░░ Uh actually my wife ░░░░░░░░ s a very very ░░░░░░░░ wise person taught me ░░░░░░░░ the other day She ░░░░░░░░ me down and she ░░░░░░░░ Steve you know babies ░░░░░░░░ t get sarcasm Laughter ░░░░░░░░ I realized I ve ░░░░░░░░ wasting my time going ░░░░░░░░ to strollers on the ░░░░░░░░ and saying Oh what ░░░░░░░░ cute baby Whoa Geez ░░░░░░░░ at this Laughter Now ░░░░░░░░ fun fact A person ░░░░░░░░ during the first season ░░░░░░░░ Saturday Night Live could ░░░░░░░░ be easily dead of ░░░░░░░░ causes Laughter Now you ░░░░░░░░ going to see a ░░░░░░░░ of familiar things tonight ░░░░░░░░ guests sketches cameo appearances ░░░░░░░░ news And this is ░░░░░░░░ monologue traditionally the weakest ░░░░░░░░ of the show Laughter ░░░░░░░░ the monologue is like ░░░░░░░░ rent controlled tenant It ░░░░░░░░ not going anywhere even ░░░░░░░░ it stinks And there ░░░░░░░░ so many members of ░░░░░░░░ SNL family here tonight ░░░░░░░░ great Bill Murray is ░░░░░░░░ Cheering and Applause We ░░░░░░░░ to make sure that ░░░░░░░░ would be here tonight ░░░░░░░░ we didn t invite ░░░░░░░░ Laughter And David Letterman ░░░░░░░░ here Cheering and Applause ░░░░░░░░ is he Wow Dave ░░░░░░░░ for leaving the sheep ░░░░░░░░ home Laughter And we ░░░░░░░░ t forget the writers ░░░░░░░░ have always been the ░░░░░░░░ and soul of SNL ░░░░░░░░ fact let s please ░░░░░░░░ the great writers from ░░░░░░░░ past 50 years stand ░░░░░░░░ and take a bow ░░░░░░░░ and Applause Laughter By ░░░░░░░░ way that tribute to ░░░░░░░░ writers was written by ░░░░░░░░ I Laughter MULANEY Hey ░░░░░░░░ Martin Oh my God ░░░░░░░░ Mulaney I didn t ░░░░░░░░ you were even gonna ░░░░░░░░ here MULANEY Oh you ░░░░░░░░ if you d ever ░░░░░░░░ to rehearsal By the ░░░░░░░░ congratulations on the Emmy ░░░░░░░░ Martin Nope MULVANEY Emmy ░░░░░░░░ Martin No MULVANEY Grammy ░░░░░░░░ Martin No MULVANEY Grammy ░░░░░░░░ Martin No MULVANEY Golden ░░░░░░░░ win Martin No MULVANEY ░░░░░░░░ Globe nomination Martin There ░░░░░░░░ go Yes sir Thank ░░░░░░░░ Laughter MULVANEY You know ░░░░░░░░ writers really appreciated that ░░░░░░░░ but I believe that ░░░░░░░░ heart and soul of ░░░░░░░░ show is the celebrity ░░░░░░░░ many of whom are ░░░░░░░░ this room tonight You ░░░░░░░░ as I look around ░░░░░░░░ see some of the ░░░░░░░░ difficult people I have ░░░░░░░░ met in my entire ░░░░░░░░ Over the course of ░░░░░░░░ years 894 people have ░░░░░░░░ Saturday Night Live and ░░░░░░░░ amazes me that only ░░░░░░░░ of them have committed ░░░░░░░░ Laughter Martin Wow Hm ░░░░░░░░ Each week each week ░░░░░░░░ new celebrity host comes ░░░░░░░░ with their own dynamic ░░░░░░░░ they throw everything off ░░░░░░░░ Hm MULVANEY But not ░░░░░░░░ Steve Because you have ░░░░░░░░ dynamic Martin Thank you ░░░░░░░░ you SHORT Hi Steve ░░░░░░░░ Oh my God Cheering ░░░░░░░░ Applause Ladies and gentlemen ░░░░░░░░ only Canadian who wasn ░░░░░░░░ in Schitt s Creek ░░░░░░░░ Short SHORT Thank you ░░░░░░░░ you know wait a ░░░░░░░░ I thought we were ░░░░░░░░ together Martin Oh Uh ░░░░░░░░ you have your passport ░░░░░░░░ you SHORT No Martin ░░░░░░░░ ICE get him SHORT ░░░░░░░░ No I ll cooperate ░░░░░░░░ t take me I ░░░░░░░░ name names Mike Myers ░░░░░░░░ Carrey Catherine O Hara ░░░░░░░░ you you white haired ░░░░░░░░ of a bitch Martin ░░░░░░░░ know Cheering and Applause ░░░░░░░░ and I have been ░░░░░░░░ together so long that ░░░░░░░░ can actually finish each ░░░░░░░░ s careers Laughter Now ░░░░░░░░ hope that you are ░░░░░░░░ my monologue tonight but ░░░░░░░░ you aren t enjoying ░░░░░░░░ maybe you should get ░░░░░░░░ and take a good ░░░░░░░░ at yourself in the ░░░░░░░░ and say to yourself ░░░░░░░░ have I become This ░░░░░░░░ t be Steve s ░░░░░░░░ And ask yourselves When ░░░░░░░░ I abandon joy And ░░░░░░░░ can I bring to ░░░░░░░░ monologue as an audience ░░░░░░░░ next time All right ░░░░░░░░ ve got a great ░░░░░░░░ tonight Cheering and Applause ░░░░░░░░ have a great show ░░░░░░░░ Simon was here Sabrina ░░░░░░░░ was here Bill Murray ░░░░░░░░ here David Letterman was ░░░░░░░░ John Mulaney was here ░░░░░░░░ Short It s called ░░░░░░░░ loading And we ll ░░░░░░░░ back Good night Thank ░░░░░░░░ Cheering and Applause)