Colbert: Fox Christmas Tree Burning Is ‘Clearly a Hate Crime Against a Historically Marginalized Group: Morons’

RUSH TRANSCRIPT piano riff ░░░░░░░░ we have an update ░░░░░░░░ yesterday s top story ░░░░░░░░ the Fox News Christmas ░░░░░░░░ was set on fire ░░░░░░░░ you want you to ░░░░░░░░ that No way is ░░░░░░░░ metaphor for Fox News ░░░░░░░░ would be a dumpster ░░░░░░░░ cheers and applause Fox ░░░░░░░░ is still talking about ░░░░░░░░ The latest is they ░░░░░░░░ the arsonist he s ░░░░░░░░ homeless man with some ░░░░░░░░ health issues who had ░░░░░░░░ prior arrests and last ░░░░░░░░ the same man exposed ░░░░░░░░ outside the ghislaine maxwell ░░░░░░░░ Oh come on Why ░░░░░░░░ he have to go ░░░░░░░░ make the Jeffrey Epstein ░░░░░░░░ gross laughter The man ░░░░░░░░ been charged with a ░░░░░░░░ of crime including arson ░░░░░░░░ criminal trespass but under ░░░░░░░░ new bail laws in ░░░░░░░░ York he was released ░░░░░░░░ the fox and friends ░░░░░░░░ not happy His charges ░░░░░░░░ not eligible for bail ░░░░░░░░ these new liberal reform ░░░░░░░░ That s right because ░░░░░░░░ is only a felony ░░░░░░░░ the suspect tries to ░░░░░░░░ a person or commits ░░░░░░░░ hate crime Who said ░░░░░░░░ s not a hate ░░░░░░░░ against us Against Fox ░░░░░░░░ laughter Stephen yes yes ░░░░░░░░ s clearly a hate ░░░░░░░░ against an historically marginalized ░░░░░░░░ morons Fox lives matter ░░░░░░░░ lives matter I tell ░░░░░░░░ fox lives matter According ░░░░░░░░ Tucker Carlson this is ░░░░░░░░ an isolated incident of ░░░░░░░░ disturbed rando lighting their ░░░░░░░░ on fire There seems ░░░░░░░░ be quite a bit ░░░░░░░░ Christmas tree destroying going ░░░░░░░░ all of a sudden ░░░░░░░░ does it mean Stephen ░░░░░░░░ it means you have ░░░░░░░░ cat laughter applause And ░░░░░░░░ ladies and gentlemen we ░░░░░░░░ stay on this story ░░░░░░░░ long as it Aaand ░░░░░░░░ m being told the ░░░░░░░░ s over because this ░░░░░░░░ Fox News was somehow ░░░░░░░░ to do what everyone ░░░░░░░░ they could and got ░░░░░░░░ new tree Which is ░░░░░░░░ That s nice I ░░░░░░░░ Christmas trees Everybody loves ░░░░░░░░ trees Except that one ░░░░░░░░ laughter And emperor hirohito ░░░░░░░░ music sting What do ░░░░░░░░ mean by that I ░░░░░░░░ no idea and neither ░░░░░░░░ this man of god ░░░░░░░░ opened the tree re ░░░░░░░░ ceremony with these mouth ░░░░░░░░ 80 years ago this ░░░░░░░░ they tried to extinguish ░░░░░░░░ darkness at a place ░░░░░░░░ Pearl Harbor Stephen and ░░░░░░░░ extinguish the darkness of ░░░░░░░░ I mean blow up ░░░░░░░░ Pacific fleet in broad ░░░░░░░░ And what did we ░░░░░░░░ We didn t fold ░░░░░░░░ and we won t ░░░░░░░░ now Stephen because the ░░░░░░░░ are better at folding ░░░░░░░░ than we are It ░░░░░░░░ called origami and tojo ░░░░░░░░ his boys want to ░░░░░░░░ our Christmas wrapping paper ░░░░░░░░ decorative cranes But why ░░░░░░░░ I here Somebody asked ░░░░░░░░ why are you here ░░░░░░░░ m here because these ░░░░░░░░ don t run Stephen ░░░░░░░░ they do blink in ░░░░░░░░ festive way And every ░░░░░░░░ when you take em ░░░░░░░░ you plug em in ░░░░░░░░ you put em away ░░░░░░░░ make sure they work ░░░░░░░░ then next year when ░░░░░░░░ take em out to ░░░░░░░░ em on the tree ░░░░░░░░ of the strings is ░░░░░░░░ out so you have ░░░░░░░░ run down to the ░░░░░░░░ to get a fresh ░░░░░░░░ but the new one ░░░░░░░░ t quite the same ░░░░░░░░ as the ones from ░░░░░░░░ year before because now ░░░░░░░░ re all l e ░░░░░░░░ and you have to ░░░░░░░░ everything away and start ░░░░░░░░ You win this time ░░░░░░░░ You win this time ░░░░░░░░ riff RUSH TRANSCRIPT piano ░░░░░░░░ Oh we have an ░░░░░░░░ on yesterday s top ░░░░░░░░ When the Fox News ░░░░░░░░ tree was set on ░░░░░░░░ Okay you want you ░░░░░░░░ know that No way ░░░░░░░░ a metaphor for Fox ░░░░░░░░ That would be a ░░░░░░░░ fire cheers and applause ░░░░░░░░ News is still talking ░░░░░░░░ it The latest is ░░░░░░░░ caught the arsonist he ░░░░░░░░ a homeless man with ░░░░░░░░ mental health issues who ░░░░░░░░ three prior arrests and ░░░░░░░░ week the same man ░░░░░░░░ himself outside the ghislaine ░░░░░░░░ trial Oh come on ░░░░░░░░ d he have to ░░░░░░░░ and make the Jeffrey ░░░░░░░░ story gross laughter The ░░░░░░░░ s been charged with ░░░░░░░░ host of crime including ░░░░░░░░ and criminal trespass but ░░░░░░░░ the new bail laws ░░░░░░░░ New York he was ░░░░░░░░ and the fox and ░░░░░░░░ were not happy His ░░░░░░░░ were not eligible for ░░░░░░░░ under these new liberal ░░░░░░░░ laws That s right ░░░░░░░░ arson is only a ░░░░░░░░ if the suspect tries ░░░░░░░░ harm a person or ░░░░░░░░ a hate crime Who ░░░░░░░░ it s not a ░░░░░░░░ crime against us Against ░░░░░░░░ News laughter Stephen yes ░░░░░░░░ It s clearly a ░░░░░░░░ crime against an historically ░░░░░░░░ group morons Fox lives ░░░░░░░░ Fox lives matter I ░░░░░░░░ you fox lives matter ░░░░░░░░ to Tucker Carlson this ░░░░░░░░ not an isolated incident ░░░░░░░░ some disturbed rando lighting ░░░░░░░░ tree on fire There ░░░░░░░░ to be quite a ░░░░░░░░ of Christmas tree destroying ░░░░░░░░ on all of a ░░░░░░░░ What does it mean ░░░░░░░░ generally it means you ░░░░░░░░ a cat laughter applause ░░░░░░░░ folks ladies and gentlemen ░░░░░░░░ will stay on this ░░░░░░░░ as long as it ░░░░░░░░ I m being told ░░░░░░░░ story s over because ░░░░░░░░ evening Fox News was ░░░░░░░░ able to do what ░░░░░░░░ said they could and ░░░░░░░░ a new tree Which ░░░░░░░░ lovely That s nice ░░░░░░░░ love Christmas trees Everybody ░░░░░░░░ Christmas trees Except that ░░░░░░░░ guy laughter And emperor ░░░░░░░░ dramatic music sting What ░░░░░░░░ I mean by that ░░░░░░░░ have no idea and ░░░░░░░░ does this man of ░░░░░░░░ who opened the tree ░░░░░░░░ lighting ceremony with these ░░░░░░░░ sounds 80 years ago ░░░░░░░░ week they tried to ░░░░░░░░ the darkness at a ░░░░░░░░ called Pearl Harbor Stephen ░░░░░░░░ by extinguish the darkness ░░░░░░░░ course I mean blow ░░░░░░░░ the Pacific fleet in ░░░░░░░░ daylight And what did ░░░░░░░░ do We didn t ░░░░░░░░ then and we won ░░░░░░░░ fold now Stephen because ░░░░░░░░ Japanese are better at ░░░░░░░░ things than we are ░░░░░░░░ s called origami and ░░░░░░░░ and his boys want ░░░░░░░░ turn our Christmas wrapping ░░░░░░░░ into decorative cranes But ░░░░░░░░ am I here Somebody ░░░░░░░░ me why are you ░░░░░░░░ I m here because ░░░░░░░░ colors don t run ░░░░░░░░ but they do blink ░░░░░░░░ a festive way And ░░░░░░░░ year when you take ░░░░░░░░ down you plug em ░░░░░░░░ before you put em ░░░░░░░░ to make sure they ░░░░░░░░ but then next year ░░░░░░░░ you take em out ░░░░░░░░ put em on the ░░░░░░░░ one of the strings ░░░░░░░░ burned out so you ░░░░░░░░ to run down to ░░░░░░░░ cvs to get a ░░░░░░░░ string but the new ░░░░░░░░ isn t quite the ░░░░░░░░ color as the ones ░░░░░░░░ the year before because ░░░░░░░░ they re all l ░░░░░░░░ d and you have ░░░░░░░░ throw everything away and ░░░░░░░░ over You win this ░░░░░░░░ Hitler You win this ░░░░░░░░ piano riff )