Colbert’s Staff Asks Him if He Wants to Hear the ‘Good News of My Dark Moloch,’ His ‘Dark Powers’ Could Save His Show

EXCERPT:

STAFFER: "Hey, Stephen?"

COLBERT: "Yeah? What’s up, Corey? I’m in the middle of a monologue here."

STAFFER: "You know how it just became okay to convert your co-workers?"

COLBERT: "Yeah, Corey. I’m talking about it right now."

STAFFER: "Oh. I don’t watch the show."

COLBERT: "What do you want, Corey?"

STAFFER: "I was wondering if you’d want to hear the good news about my dark lord, Moloch."

COLBERT: "No, I don’t want to hear about Moloch. Listen, you do you, but I’m not interested."

STAFFER: "But his dark powers could save your show."

(Laughter)

COLBERT: "Okay, I’m listening. What — what would I have to do?"

STAFFER: "Not much. A little ritual sacrifice, maybe volunteer at a few of our bake sales."

COLBERT: "You have bake sales?"

STAFFER: "We’re not monsters, Stephen. We just worship one. Lemon square? Only 50 cents. And your soul."

COLBERT: "No, thanks. I’m low-carb these days.”