Kathy Griffin: They’re All Going to Jail Including Sean Hannity

RUSH TRANSCRIPT Seth I ░░░░░░░░ to start by asking ░░░░░░░░ you were at the ░░░░░░░░ House correspondents dinner You ░░░░░░░░ can you believe it ░░░░░░░░ year ago I know ░░░░░░░░ year ago I was ░░░░░░░░ federal investigation for conspiracy ░░░░░░░░ assassinate the president of ░░░░░░░░ United States Oh yeah ░░░░░░░░ month federal investigation And ░░░░░░░░ last weekend I get ░░░░░░░░ to the White House ░░░░░░░░ dinner Cheers and applause ░░░░░░░░ That s a full ░░░░░░░░ circle Yeah Seth So ░░░░░░░░ were in the room ░░░░░░░░ Michelle wolf I was ░░░░░░░░ the room when it ░░░░░░░░ went down It all ░░░░░░░░ down Seth I will ░░░░░░░░ based on you and ░░░░░░░░ wolf I m worried ░░░░░░░░ s going to start ░░░░░░░░ red heads Laughter Yeah ░░░░░░░░ s true Seth That ░░░░░░░░ be his next step ░░░░░░░░ was a fear of ░░░░░░░░ as well as so ░░░░░░░░ other issues Oh my ░░░░░░░░ The news today about ░░░░░░░░ doctor Remember Dr Bornstein ░░░░░░░░ he said he was ░░░░░░░░ healthiest doctor ever Now ░░░░░░░░ that his office was ░░░░░░░░ because Trump uses propecia ░░░░░░░░ if that s all ░░░░░░░░ I m alleging I ░░░░░░░░ alleging I m not ░░░░░░░░ scientist Seth Thank you ░░░░░░░░ saying alleging now I ░░░░░░░░ Seth You re very ░░░░░░░░ re obviously after your ░░░░░░░░ troubles you re being ░░░░░░░░ careful I ve had ░░░░░░░░ lot of legal issues ░░░░░░░░ Allegedly Allegedly my lawyer ░░░░░░░░ kids are all going ░░░░░░░░ college this year Yes ░░░░░░░░ they are only five ░░░░░░░░ six years old But ░░░░░░░░ still get to go ░░░░░░░░ college Seth Oh that ░░░░░░░░ great They can get ░░░░░░░░ degree So you were ░░░░░░░░ the room Yes Seth ░░░░░░░░ you have the sense ░░░░░░░░ there would be the ░░░░░░░░ of backlash there was ░░░░░░░░ know a few hours ░░░░░░░░ watching the show I ░░░░░░░░ I was nervous because ░░░░░░░░ the fact that Trump ░░░░░░░░ t go because he ░░░░░░░░ such a pussy Laughter ░░░░░░░░ he couldn t even ░░░░░░░░ a joke Cheers and ░░░░░░░░ Seth Allegedly Allegedly Seth ░░░░░░░░ Allegedly Seth Allegedly I ░░░░░░░░ bleep Laughter Alright so ░░░░░░░░ the way that s ░░░░░░░░ I think the deal ░░░░░░░░ I think stormy knows ░░░░░░░░ she releases the bleep ░░░░░░░░ and there is like ░░░░░░░░ on it or like ░░░░░░░░ or like like that ░░░░░░░░ really going to make ░░░░░░░░ the Republicans go laughter ░░░░░░░░ So I make enemies ░░░░░░░░ Seth Yeah And so ░░░░░░░░ You ve really you ░░░░░░░░ really like I feel ░░░░░░░░ you re such a ░░░░░░░░ violet these days I ░░░░░░░░ a shy flower I ░░░░░░░░ a shy flower now ░░░░░░░░ know why I don ░░░░░░░░ have an F left ░░░░░░░░ give I don t ░░░░░░░░ don t have not ░░░░░░░░ Not one Cheers and ░░░░░░░░ Seth They took all ░░░░░░░░ F s Not one ░░░░░░░░ give me a dollar ░░░░░░░░ won t buy an ░░░░░░░░ So yeah So I ░░░░░░░░ in the room Now ░░░░░░░░ ve done those kinds ░░░░░░░░ rooms many times as ░░░░░░░░ have Seth Yeah And ░░░░░░░░ are tough I ll ░░░░░░░░ you why There s ░░░░░░░░ so half the audience ░░░░░░░░ t even facing you ░░░░░░░░ then there s the ░░░░░░░░ which is called the ░░░░░░░░ Now what happened was ░░░░░░░░ started her set and ░░░░░░░░ that pain in the ░░░░░░░░ Sarah Huckabee Sanders who ░░░░░░░░ lies to the country ░░░░░░░░ single day and bullies ░░░░░░░░ and is tearing away ░░░░░░░░ the fabric of the ░░░░░░░░ Amendment the one I ░░░░░░░░ the best Anyway so ░░░░░░░░ is sitting there with ░░░░░░░░ pissy face like like ░░░░░░░░ paltrowm like the old ░░░░░░░░ paltrow Laughter Not that ░░░░░░░░ new one s more ░░░░░░░░ You know what I ░░░░░░░░ She s like more ░░░░░░░░ little looser Seth You ░░░░░░░░ I would love to ░░░░░░░░ her here Yeah Looser ░░░░░░░░ s a little looser ░░░░░░░░ Yeah But anyway So ░░░░░░░░ think what happened was ░░░░░░░░ the reporters like John ░░░░░░░░ somebody I respect Then ░░░░░░░░ start giving Michelle wolf ░░░░░░░░ stink eye And you ░░░░░░░░ that feeling of like ░░░░░░░░ could see the repubbys ░░░░░░░░ looking around like Oh ░░░░░░░░ if that if Wilbur ░░░░░░░░ isn t laughing and ░░░░░░░░ the way Wilbur Ross ░░░░░░░░ could tip him like ░░░░░░░░ cow Laughter He s ░░░░░░░░ old guy in cabinet ░░░░░░░░ s like 120 He ░░░░░░░░ the secretary of bull ░░░░░░░░ Or something Laughter But ░░░░░░░░ just wanted to see ░░░░░░░░ and go blows And ░░░░░░░░ him go down Laughter ░░░░░░░░ and so what happens ░░░░░░░░ the other people on ░░░░░░░░ podium were giving her ░░░░░░░░ look as if she ░░░░░░░░ bombing and she wasn ░░░░░░░░ So it s kind ░░░░░░░░ like a virus So ░░░░░░░░ first section gets uncomfortable ░░░░░░░░ the middle section And ░░░░░░░░ m in the back ░░░░░░░░ and spicey are in ░░░░░░░░ back Laughter So oh ░░░░░░░░ that one has the ░░░░░░░░ to give me the ░░░░░░░░ right So she makes ░░░░░░░░ joke about him and ░░░░░░░░ stood up like this ░░░░░░░░ go like this Clapping ░░░░░░░░ Cheers and applause Seth ░░░░░░░░ put it out there ░░░░░░░░ There was no Oh ░░░░░░░░ Seth You were not ░░░░░░░░ about it No Seth ░░░░░░░░ subtlety Gotcha I no ░░░░░░░░ think they re all ░░░░░░░░ to jail Oh you ░░░░░░░░ who twatted me last ░░░░░░░░ Seth Who twatted you ░░░░░░░░ twatted me on the ░░░░░░░░ Sean Hannity is obsessed ░░░░░░░░ me And so last ░░░░░░░░ he wrote another blog ░░░░░░░░ my freaking Trump mask ░░░░░░░░ with the ketchup You ░░░░░░░░ know the picture And ░░░░░░░░ my life Anyway so ░░░░░░░░ does another another blog ░░░░░░░░ it And I wrote ░░░░░░░░ him I said I ░░░░░░░░ t know if you ░░░░░░░░ going to do very ░░░░░░░░ in jail because someone ░░░░░░░░ you the rate of ░░░░░░░░ is going to be ░░░░░░░░ high Laughter Seth Okay ░░░░░░░░ Seth Recidivism is a ░░░░░░░░ thing to knock him ░░░░░░░░ Yeah It s a ░░░░░░░░ word right Seth Yeah ░░░░░░░░ also I ve actually ░░░░░░░░ in prisons and I ░░░░░░░░ telling you they would ░░░░░░░░ go for Sean Like ░░░░░░░░ s not their type ░░░░░░░░ Seth Okay But he ░░░░░░░░ going He s going ░░░░░░░░ and all of them ░░░░░░░░ re all going to ░░░░░░░░ Seth Now let s ░░░░░░░░ again about this photo ░░░░░░░░ you know you have ░░░░░░░░ mask a Trump mask ░░░░░░░░ guys know the picture ░░░░░░░░ Okay Seth Yes It ░░░░░░░░ a it looks like ░░░░░░░░ re holding up a ░░░░░░░░ head But no one ░░░░░░░░ it was a real ░░░░░░░░ head I First of ░░░░░░░░ Matt Lauer oh sorry ░░░░░░░░ Laughter Of all people ░░░░░░░░ That one Laughter Alright ░░░░░░░░ allegedly Allegedly Seth Allegedly ░░░░░░░░ you Kathy Allegedly Allegedly ░░░░░░░░ So he calls me ░░░░░░░░ my cell phone and ░░░░░░░░ m thinking How the ░░░░░░░░ does Matt Lauer have ░░░░░░░░ cell phone So yeah ░░░░░░░░ got so crazy that ░░░░░░░░ I got calls from ░░░░░░░░ And then of course ░░░░░░░░ know someone called and ░░░░░░░░ What if you knew ░░░░░░░░ Daniel pearl was so ░░░░░░░░ don t mean to ░░░░░░░░ the room down but ░░░░░░░░ said What if Daniel ░░░░░░░░ s mother saw this ░░░░░░░░ I ve performed in ░░░░░░░░ and Afghanistan Places the ░░░░░░░░ can t find on ░░░░░░░░ map Nor has he ░░░░░░░░ Light laughter And so ░░░░░░░░ really truly truly didn ░░░░░░░░ think people would make ░░░░░░░░ connection I just thought ░░░░░░░░ I could think of ░░░░░░░░ everything from you know ░░░░░░░░ of medusa and perseus ░░░░░░░░ him saying famously to ░░░░░░░░ Kelly and I m ░░░░░░░░ fan sorry But anyway ░░░░░░░░ that one And by ░░░░░░░░ way Santa Claus is ░░░░░░░░ Calm down girl you ░░░░░░░░ t know you weren ░░░░░░░░ there Laughter Alright so ░░░░░░░░ don t forget I ░░░░░░░░ t forget a single ░░░░░░░░ I don t forget ░░░░░░░░ single thing Seth Where ░░░░░░░░ you mean the north ░░░░░░░░ Is that where laughter ░░░░░░░░ Megyn Kelly went on ░░░░░░░░ went on a rant ░░░░░░░░ Santa Claus being white ░░░░░░░░ my mother loved it ░░░░░░░░ you know laughter Alright ░░░░░░░░ by the way it ░░░░░░░░ me two hours to ░░░░░░░░ my mother I wasn ░░░░░░░░ in ISIS that day ░░░░░░░░ swear to god my ░░░░░░░░ she s like Why ░░░░░░░░ you join ISIS dammit ░░░░░░░░ mom mom I m ░░░░░░░░ years old I m ░░░░░░░░ the road I m ░░░░░░░░ to do a tour ░░░░░░░░ mother Of all the ░░░░░░░░ I was watching my ░░░░░░░░ News and they said ░░░░░░░░ ISIS is terrible I ░░░░░░░░ Mom I m not ░░░░░░░░ Alright so it was ░░░░░░░░ crazy as crazy as ░░░░░░░░ would imagine And it ░░░░░░░░ so crazy I really ░░░░░░░░ start to think I ░░░░░░░░ got to make this ░░░░░░░░ And so someone named ░░░░░░░░ Carrey called me Audience ░░░░░░░░ Don t be such ░░░░░░░░ ass bleep Ooh sell ░░░░░░░░ sell it sell it ░░░░░░░░ Oh Wait do it ░░░░░░░░ So anyway Jim carry ░░░░░░░░ me Gasps Audience oohs ░░░░░░░░ my gosh And the ░░░░░░░░ I bring that up ░░░░░░░░ that I don t ░░░░░░░░ even know him that ░░░░░░░░ but sweet of him ░░░░░░░░ reach out And he ░░░░░░░░ the greatest thing he ░░░░░░░░ goes Kathy you are ░░░░░░░░ most famous comedian in ░░░░░░░░ world today And I ░░░░░░░░ sobbing Oh for the ░░░░░░░░ reasons He goes No ░░░░░░░░ it And so now ░░░░░░░░ m naming the tour ░░░░░░░░ I ll be playing ░░░░░░░░ hall and radio city ░░░░░░░░ hall at the Kathy ░░░░░░░░ Laugh your head off ░░░░░░░░ tour Cheers and applause ░░░░░░░░ There you go So ░░░░░░░░ do want to so ░░░░░░░░ no way was it ░░░░░░░░ proportional response but do ░░░░░░░░ look I mean obviously ░░░░░░░░ was done to provoke ░░░░░░░░ then you successfully provoked ░░░░░░░░ Seth Do you look ░░░░░░░░ at all and say ░░░░░░░░ gosh There was a ░░░░░░░░ photo to take or ░░░░░░░░ this one I wish ░░░░░░░░ had had okay so ░░░░░░░░ of all I didn ░░░░░░░░ really think about it ░░░░░░░░ honestly I sent a ░░░░░░░░ of mine out for ░░░░░░░░ a mask at a ░░░░░░░░ store for 10 And ░░░░░░░░ I got all the ░░░░░░░░ because I kept thinking ░░░░░░░░ him saying at the ░░░░░░░░ Blood coming out of ░░░░░░░░ eye Out of her ░░░░░░░░ and I m like ░░░░░░░░ many men have said ░░░░░░░░ crap to you over ░░░░░░░░ life So I was ░░░░░░░░ I admit it triggered ░░░░░░░░ snowflake Light laughter And ░░░░░░░░ I wanted to shame ░░░░░░░░ I wanted to shame ░░░░░░░░ He s such a ░░░░░░░░ And his policies are ░░░░░░░░ disgusting And for the ░░░░░░░░ of women and LGBT ░░░░░░░░ and people of color ░░░░░░░░ was like This guy ░░░░░░░░ going down Now granted ░░░░░░░░ was a little soon ░░░░░░░░ laughter Like I m ░░░░░░░░ saying a lot of ░░░░░░░░ have actually said like ░░░░░░░░ this had been post ░░░░░░░░ or post Me too ░░░░░░░░ Maybe it wouldn t ░░░░░░░░ been so bad But ░░░░░░░░ you do something like ░░░░░░░░ really did just try ░░░░░░░░ make a statement And ░░░░░░░░ truly didn t think ░░░░░░░░ would think it was ░░░░░░░░ actual severed head Like ░░░░░░░░ d go to a ░░░░░░░░ head warehouse or something ░░░░░░░░ Seth Right Yeah So ░░░░░░░░ mean and also I ░░░░░░░░ t like I didn ░░░░░░░░ know I was just ░░░░░░░░ of the Trump like ░░░░░░░░ chipper And I should ░░░░░░░░ known because at that ░░░░░░░░ he had only done ░░░░░░░░ to like political figures ░░░░░░░░ what he did to ░░░░░░░░ I just want you ░░░░░░░░ to know it s ░░░░░░░░ it s never happened ░░░░░░░░ a sitting United States ░░░░░░░░ has used the power ░░░░░░░░ the Oval Office the ░░░░░░░░ family oh that group ░░░░░░░░ s not start with ░░░░░░░░ sons date rape and ░░░░░░░░ muenster Laughter So I ░░░░░░░░ really lightened up a ░░░░░░░░ Seth I have I ░░░░░░░░ they ve really you ░░░░░░░░ come out of your ░░░░░░░░ again We need to ░░░░░░░░ Kathy griffin I know ░░░░░░░░ m so shy All ░░░░░░░░ So you know and ░░░░░░░░ the Fox News machine ░░░░░░░░ TMZ was recording my ░░░░░░░░ cancellations in real time ░░░░░░░░ of bomb threats which ░░░░░░░░ later found out were ░░░░░░░░ calls Like I honestly ░░░░░░░░ t know they had ░░░░░░░░ apparatus already in place ░░░░░░░░ they just kind of ░░░░░░░░ me in like the ░░░░░░░░ Kaepernick wood chipper And ░░░░░░░░ bring me up on ░░░░░░░░ like whenever it s ░░░░░░░░ time Light laughter You ░░░░░░░░ they bring me up ░░░░░░░░ bring up you know ░░░░░░░░ waters Like so I ░░░░░░░░ now just in there ░░░░░░░░ of people to go ░░░░░░░░ Seth And what was ░░░░░░░░ were doing your show ░░░░░░░░ And you re Well ░░░░░░░░ wasn t I was ░░░░░░░░ overseas frankly So I ░░░░░░░░ in the middle of ░░░░░░░░ 50 city tour And ░░░░░░░░ know I just this ░░░░░░░░ all I do you ░░░░░░░░ I don t have ░░░░░░░░ network or a studio ░░░░░░░░ go and tell my ░░░░░░░░ Jokes town to town ░░░░░░░░ hope you laugh Cheers ░░░░░░░░ applause And you know ░░░░░░░░ You re like I ░░░░░░░░ always said you re ░░░░░░░░ Johnny appleseed for bleep ░░░░░░░░ you Laughter Seth Yeah ░░░░░░░░ t make me emotional ░░░░░░░░ not make me emotional ░░░░░░░░ that was touching I ░░░░░░░░ only human And so ░░░░░░░░ I called my stand ░░░░░░░░ agent and I said ░░░░░░░░ is a weird way ░░░░░░░░ route a tour but ░░░░░░░░ you just send me ░░░░░░░░ countries where they hate ░░░░░░░░ Two weeks later I ░░░░░░░░ 15 countries and 23 ░░░░░░░░ Cheers and applause So ░░░░░░░░ was heaven It was ░░░░░░░░ Seth Well I m ░░░░░░░░ I m so happy ░░░░░░░░ are doing shows here ░░░░░░░░ I look forward to ░░░░░░░░ how they go Me ░░░░░░░░ Seriously Seth And I ░░░░░░░░ glad to see you ░░░░░░░░ doing well and thanks ░░░░░░░░ much for coming back ░░░░░░░░ It s always a ░░░░░░░░ Cheers and applause Well ░░░░░░░░ you Thank you for ░░░░░░░░ me Seth Kathy griffin ░░░░░░░░ For more info on ░░░░░░░░ dates go to kathygriffin ░░░░░░░░ We ll be right ░░░░░░░░ with