Obama’s Full 2014 White House Correspondents Dinner Remarks

“Thank you so much ░░░░░░░░ Have a seat have ░░░░░░░░ seat Before I get ░░░░░░░░ can we get the ░░░░░░░░ presidential setup out here ░░░░░░░░ bring out two ferns ░░░░░░░░ was worked before Laughter ░░░░░░░░ applause That s more ░░░░░░░░ it It is great ░░░░░░░░ be back What a ░░░░░░░░ huh I usually start ░░░░░░░░ dinners with a few ░░░░░░░░ deprecating jokes After my ░░░░░░░░ 2013 what could I ░░░░░░░░ talk about Laughter I ░░░░░░░░ it last year was ░░░░░░░░ Sheesh Laughter At one ░░░░░░░░ things got so bad ░░░░░░░░ 47 percent called Mitt ░░░░░░░░ to apologize Laughter Of ░░░░░░░░ we rolled out healthcare ░░░░░░░░ That could have gone ░░░░░░░░ Laughter In 2008 my ░░░░░░░░ was Yes We Can ░░░░░░░░ 2013 my slogan was ░░░░░░░░ Alt Delete Laughter On ░░░░░░░░ plus side they did ░░░░░░░░ the launch of healthcare ░░░░░░░░ into one of the ░░░░░░░░ s biggest movies Laughter ░░░░░░░░ rather than dwell on ░░░░░░░░ past I would like ░░░░░░░░ pivot to this dinner ░░░░░░░░ s welcome our headliner ░░░░░░░░ evening Joel McHale Applause ░░░░░░░░ Community Joel plays a ░░░░░░░░ self obsessed narcissist So ░░░░░░░░ dinner must be a ░░░░░░░░ change of pace for ░░░░░░░░ Laughter I want to ░░░░░░░░ the White House Correspondents ░░░░░░░░ for hosting us here ░░░░░░░░ I am happy to ░░░░░░░░ here even though I ░░░░░░░░ a little jet lagged ░░░░░░░░ my trip to Malaysia ░░░░░░░░ lengths we have to ░░░░░░░░ to get CNN coverage ░░░░░░░░ days Laughter and applause ░░░░░░░░ think they re still ░░░░░░░░ for their table Laughter ░░░░░░░░ applause MSNBC is here ░░░░░░░░ re a little overwhelmed ░░░░░░░░ They ve never seen ░░░░░░░░ audience this big before ░░░░░░░░ But look everybody is ░░░░░░░░ to keep up with ░░░░░░░░ incredibly fast changing media ░░░░░░░░ For example I got ░░░░░░░░ lot of grief on ░░░░░░░░ news for promoting ObamaCare ░░░░░░░░ young people on Between ░░░░░░░░ Ferns But that s ░░░░░░░░ young people like to ░░░░░░░░ And to be fair ░░░░░░░░ am not the first ░░░░░░░░ on television between two ░░░░░░░░ plants Laughter and applause ░░░░░░░░ I do feel disrespected ░░░░░░░░ you reporters But that ░░░░░░░░ okay Seattle Seahawk cornerback ░░░░░░░░ Sherman is here tonight ░░░░░░░░ And he gave me ░░░░░░░░ great tips on how ░░░░░░░░ handle it Jake Tapper ░░░░░░░░ t you ever talk ░░░░░░░░ me like that Laughter ░░░░░░░░ m the best President ░░░░░░░░ the game Laughter What ░░░░░░░░ you think Richard Was ░░░░░░░░ good A little more ░░░░░░░░ next time While we ░░░░░░░░ talking sports just last ░░░░░░░░ a wonderful story an ░░░░░░░░ won the Boston Marathon ░░░░░░░░ first time in 30 ░░░░░░░░ Applause Which was inspiring ░░░░░░░░ only fair since a ░░░░░░░░ has been president for ░░░░░░░░ last six Laughter and ░░░░░░░░ Had to even things ░░░░░░░░ Laughter We have some ░░░░░░░░ athletes here tonight including ░░░░░░░░ snowboarding gold medalist Jamie ░░░░░░░░ is here We re ░░░░░░░░ of her Applause Incredibly ░░░░░░░░ young lady Michelle and ░░░░░░░░ watched the Olympics we ░░░░░░░░ believe what these folks ░░░░░░░░ death defying feats haven ░░░░░░░░ seen somebody pull a ░░░░░░░░ that fast since Rand ░░░░░░░░ disinvited that Nevada rancher ░░░░░░░░ this dinner Laughter As ░░░░░░░░ general rule things don ░░░░░░░░ like end well if ░░░░░░░░ sentence starts Let me ░░░░░░░░ you something I know ░░░░░░░░ the negro Laughter You ░░░░░░░░ t really need to ░░░░░░░░ the rest of it ░░░░░░░░ and applause Just a ░░░░░░░░ for you don t ░░░░░░░░ your sentence that way ░░░░░░░░ Speaking of Rand Paul ░░░░░░░░ Colorado legalized marijuana this ░░░░░░░░ an interesting social experiment ░░░░░░░░ do hope it doesn ░░░░░░░░ lead to a whole ░░░░░░░░ of paranoid people who ░░░░░░░░ that the federal government ░░░░░░░░ out to get them ░░░░░░░░ listening to their phone ░░░░░░░░ Laughter That would be ░░░░░░░░ problem Laughter And speaking ░░░░░░░░ conservative heroes the Koch ░░░░░░░░ bought a table here ░░░░░░░░ But as usual they ░░░░░░░░ a shadowy right wing ░░░░░░░░ as a front Hello ░░░░░░░░ News Laughter and applause ░░░░░░░░ m just kidding Let ░░░░░░░░ face it Fox you ░░░░░░░░ miss me when I ░░░░░░░░ gone Laughter It will ░░░░░░░░ harder to convince the ░░░░░░░░ people that Hillary was ░░░░░░░░ in Kenya Laughter and ░░░░░░░░ A lot of us ░░░░░░░░ are concerned about the ░░░░░░░░ big money is influencing ░░░░░░░░ politics I remember when ░░░░░░░░ Super PAC was just ░░░░░░░░ buying Marlboro 100s instead ░░░░░░░░ regulars Laughter Of course ░░░░░░░░ that it s 2014 ░░░░░░░░ is obsessed on the ░░░░░░░░ Folks are saying that ░░░░░░░░ my sagging poll numbers ░░░░░░░░ fellow Democrats don t ░░░░░░░░ want me campaigning with ░░░░░░░░ And I don t ░░░░░░░░ that s true although ░░░░░░░░ did notice the other ░░░░░░░░ that Sasha needed a ░░░░░░░░ at career day and ░░░░░░░░ invited Bill Clinton Laughter ░░░░░░░░ was a little hurt ░░░░░░░░ that Laughter Both sides ░░░░░░░░ doing whatever it takes ░░░░░░░░ win the ruthless game ░░░░░░░░ this is a true ░░░░░░░░ Republicans actually brought in ░░░░░░░░ group of consultants to ░░░░░░░░ their candidates how to ░░░░░░░░ to women This is ░░░░░░░░ And I don t ░░░░░░░░ if it will work ░░░░░░░░ women but I understand ░░░░░░░░ America s teenage boys ░░░░░░░░ signing up to run ░░░░░░░░ the Senate in droves ░░░░░░░░ Anyway while you guys ░░░░░░░░ on the horserace I ░░░░░░░░ going to do what ░░░░░░░░ do I m going ░░░░░░░░ be focused on everyday ░░░░░░░░ Just yesterday I read ░░░░░░░░ heartbreaking letter you know ░░░░░░░░ get letters from folks ░░░░░░░░ around the country every ░░░░░░░░ I get 10 that ░░░░░░░░ read this one got ░░░░░░░░ me A Virginia man ░░░░░░░░ s been stuck in ░░░░░░░░ same part time job ░░░░░░░░ years no respect from ░░░░░░░░ boss no chance to ░░░░░░░░ ahead I really wish ░░░░░░░░ Cantor would stop writing ░░░░░░░░ Laughter You can just ░░░░░░░░ up the phone Eric ░░░░░░░░ And I m feeling ░░░░░░░░ believe it or not ░░░░░░░░ the speaker of the ░░░░░░░░ as well These days ░░░░░░░░ House Republicans actually give ░░░░░░░░ Boehner a harder time ░░░░░░░░ they give me which ░░░░░░░░ orange really is the ░░░░░░░░ black Laughter and applause ░░░░░░░░ I have not given ░░░░░░░░ the idea of working ░░░░░░░░ Congress In fact two ░░░░░░░░ ago Senator Ted Cruz ░░░░░░░░ I we got a ░░░░░░░░ done together And I ░░░░░░░░ to say the signing ░░░░░░░░ was something special We ░░░░░░░░ got a picture of ░░░░░░░░ I think Laughter Look ░░░░░░░░ know Washington seems more ░░░░░░░░ than ever Gridlock has ░░░░░░░░ so bad in this ░░░░░░░░ you have to wonder ░░░░░░░░ did we do to ░░░░░░░░ off Chris Christie so ░░░░░░░░ Laughter and applause One ░░░░░░░░ for example we haven ░░░░░░░░ been able to agree ░░░░░░░░ is unemployment insurance Republicans ░░░░░░░░ to refuse to extend ░░░░░░░░ And you know what ░░░░░░░░ am beginning to think ░░░░░░░░ ve got a point ░░░░░░░░ you want to get ░░░░░░░░ while not working you ░░░░░░░░ have to run for ░░░░░░░░ just like everybody else ░░░░░░░░ and applause Of course ░░░░░░░░ is one thing that ░░░░░░░░ Republicans busy They have ░░░░░░░░ more than 50 times ░░░░░░░░ repeal ObamaCare Despite that ░░░░░░░░ million people signed up ░░░░░░░░ health care in the ░░░░░░░░ open enrollment Applause Which ░░░░░░░░ lead one to ask ░░░░░░░░ well does ObamaCare have ░░░░░░░░ work before you don ░░░░░░░░ want to repeal it ░░░░░░░░ if everybody s cholesterol ░░░░░░░░ to 120 Laughter What ░░░░░░░░ your yearly checkup came ░░░░░░░░ tickets to a Clippers ░░░░░░░░ Laughter Not the old ░░░░░░░░ Sterling Clippers the new ░░░░░░░░ Clippers Would that be ░░░░░░░░ enough Laughter What if ░░░░░░░░ gave Mitch McConnell a ░░░░░░░░ Laughter What is it ░░░░░░░░ to take Laughter Anyway ░░░░░░░░ year I ve promised ░░░░░░░░ use more executive actions ░░░░░░░░ get things done without ░░░░░░░░ My critics call this ░░░░░░░░ imperial presidency The truth ░░░░░░░░ I just show up ░░░░░░░░ day in my office ░░░░░░░░ do my job I ░░░░░░░░ got a picture of ░░░░░░░░ I think Laughter and ░░░░░░░░ You would think they ░░░░░░░░ appreciate a more assertive ░░░░░░░░ considering that the new ░░░░░░░░ darling is None other ░░░░░░░░ Vladimir Putin Laughter Last ░░░░░░░░ Pat Buchanan said Putin ░░░░░░░░ headed straight for the ░░░░░░░░ Peace Prize He said ░░░░░░░░ Now I know it ░░░░░░░░ crazy but to be ░░░░░░░░ they give those to ░░░░░░░░ about anybody these days ░░░░░░░░ So it could happen ░░░░░░░░ it s not just ░░░░░░░░ Rudy Giuliani said Putin ░░░░░░░░ what you call a ░░░░░░░░ Mike Huckabee and Sean ░░░░░░░░ keep talking about his ░░░░░░░░ chest which is kind ░░░░░░░░ weird Laughter Look it ░░░░░░░░ they talk about it ░░░░░░░░ lot Laughter It is ░░░░░░░░ to think that I ░░░░░░░░ just two and a ░░░░░░░░ years left in this ░░░░░░░░ Everywhere I look there ░░░░░░░░ reminders that I only ░░░░░░░░ this job temporarily Laughter ░░░░░░░░ it s a long ░░░░░░░░ between now and 2016 ░░░░░░░░ anything can happen You ░░░░░░░░ have heard the other ░░░░░░░░ Hillary had to dodge ░░░░░░░░ flying shoe at a ░░░░░░░░ conference Laughter and applause ░░░░░░░░ love that picture Laughter ░░░░░░░░ of what happens I ░░░░░░░░ run my last campaign ░░░░░░░░ I m beginning to ░░░░░░░░ about my legacy Some ░░░░░░░░ you know Mayor Rahm ░░░░░░░░ recently announced he is ░░░░░░░░ a high school in ░░░░░░░░ after me which is ░░░░░░░░ humbling I was even ░░░░░░░░ flattered to hear Rick ░░░░░░░░ who is here tonigh ░░░░░░░░ doing the same thing ░░░░░░░░ Texas Take a look ░░░░░░░░ Thank you Rick It ░░░░░░░░ a lot to me ░░░░░░░░ and applause And I ░░░░░░░░ to enjoy all the ░░░░░░░░ time that I will ░░░░░░░░ George W Bush took ░░░░░░░░ painting after he left ░░░░░░░░ which inspired me to ░░░░░░░░ up my own artistic ░░░░░░░░ Laughter I m sure ░░░░░░░░ ve got a shot ░░░░░░░░ this Laughter Maybe not ░░░░░░░░ joke doesn t work ░░░░░░░░ the slide Laughter Oh ░░░░░░░░ Assume that it was ░░░░░░░░ Laughter Does this happen ░░░░░░░░ you Joel It does ░░░░░░░░ On a more serious ░░░░░░░░ tonight reminds us that ░░░░░░░░ really are lucky to ░░░░░░░░ in a country where ░░░░░░░░ get to give a ░░░░░░░░ of state a hard ░░░░░░░░ on a daily basis ░░░░░░░░ then once a year ░░░░░░░░ him or her the ░░░░░░░░ at least to try ░░░░░░░░ return the favor But ░░░░░░░░ also know that not ░░░░░░░░ journalist or photographer or ░░░░░░░░ is so fortunate because ░░░░░░░░ as we celebrate the ░░░░░░░░ press tonight our thoughts ░░░░░░░░ with those in places ░░░░░░░░ the globe like Ukraine ░░░░░░░░ Afghanistan and Syria and ░░░░░░░░ who risk everything in ░░░░░░░░ cases even give their ░░░░░░░░ to report the news ░░░░░░░░ what tonight also reminds ░░░░░░░░ is that the fight ░░░░░░░░ full and fair access ░░░░░░░░ beyond the chance to ░░░░░░░░ a question As Steve ░░░░░░░░ decades ago an African ░░░░░░░░ who wanted to cover ░░░░░░░░ or her President might ░░░░░░░░ barred from journalism school ░░░░░░░░ by Jim Crow and ░░░░░░░░ in Washington banned from ░░░░░░░░ conferences But after years ░░░░░░░░ effort black editors and ░░░░░░░░ began meeting with FDR ░░░░░░░░ press secretary Steve Early ░░░░░░░░ then they met with ░░░░░░░░ President himself who declared ░░░░░░░░ a black reporter would ░░░░░░░░ a credential And even ░░░░░░░░ Harry McAlpin made history ░░░░░░░░ the first African American ░░░░░░░░ attend a presidential news ░░░░░░░░ he wasn t always ░░░░░░░░ by the other reporters ░░░░░░░░ he was welcomed by ░░░░░░░░ President who told him ░░░░░░░░ m glad to see ░░░░░░░░ McAlpin and I m ░░░░░░░░ happy to have you ░░░░░░░░ Now that sentiment might ░░░░░░░░ worn off once Harry ░░░░░░░░ him a question or ░░░░░░░░ laughter and Harry s ░░░░░░░░ continued But he made ░░░░░░░░ And we re s ░░░░░░░░ of Sherman and his ░░░░░░░░ for being here tonight ░░░░░░░░ the White House Correspondents ░░░░░░░░ for creating a scholarship ░░░░░░░░ Harry s name Applause ░░░░░░░░ over 100 years even ░░░░░░░░ the White House Correspondents ░░░░░░░░ has told the story ░░░░░░░░ America s progress you ░░░░░░░░ lived it too gradually ░░░░░░░░ equal access to women ░░░░░░░░ minorities and gays and ░░░░░░░░ with disabilities And yes ░░░░░░░░ and television and Internet ░░░░░░░░ as well And through ░░░░░░░░ all you ve helped ░░░░░░░░ sure that even as ░░░░░░░░ change our fundamental commitment ░░░░░░░░ the interaction between those ░░░░░░░░ govern and those who ░░░░░░░░ questions doesn t change ░░░░░░░░ as Jay will attest ░░░░░░░░ s a legacy you ░░░░░░░░ on enthusiastically every single ░░░░░░░░ And because this is ░░░░░░░░ 100th anniversary of the ░░░░░░░░ Association I actually recorded ░░░░░░░░ additional brief video thanking ░░░░░░░░ of you for your ░░░░░░░░ work Can we run ░░░░░░░░ video Video fails to ░░░░░░░░ THE PRESIDENT What s ░░░░░░░░ on Laughter I was ░░░░░░░░ this would work Does ░░░░░░░░ know how to fix ░░░░░░░░ Laughter Secretary Sebelius enters ░░░░░░░░ backstage THE PRESIDENT Oh ░░░░░░░░ you Laughter and applause ░░░░░░░░ got it SECRETARY SEBELIUS ░░░░░░░░ got this I see ░░░░░░░░ all the time There ░░░░░░░░ should work Video plays ░░░░░░░░ PRESIDENT Thank you very ░░░░░░░░ everybody God bless you ░░░░░░░░ God bless America and ░░░░░░░░ you, Kathleen Sebelius. (Applause.)