SNL’s Trump Easter Cold Open: ‘Many People Are Even Calling Me the Messiah, Because of the Mess-I-ah Made in the Economy’

DAY as Jesus Christ ░░░░░░░░ is this What transpires ░░░░░░░░ this holy place WAKIM ░░░░░░░░ Apostle 1 Jesus what ░░░░░░░░ you DAY as Jesus ░░░░░░░░ This should be a ░░░░░░░░ of prayer These merchants ░░░░░░░░ money changers have turned ░░░░░░░░ into a den of ░░░░░░░░ Thompson as Apostle 2 ░░░░░░░░ Jesus mad DAY as ░░░░░░░░ Christ This will not ░░░░░░░░ I will rid this ░░░░░░░░ of all its money ░░░░░░░░ as Trump Remind you ░░░░░░░░ anyone Laughter Wow I ░░░░░░░░ got rid of money ░░░░░░░░ week But instead of ░░░░░░░░ temple I did a ░░░░░░░░ country maybe even the ░░░░░░░░ The money s gone ░░░░░░░░ it s me your ░░░░░░░░ president Donald Jesus Trump ░░░░░░░░ Comparing myself to the ░░░░░░░░ of God once again ░░░░░░░░ know many people are ░░░░░░░░ calling me the messiah ░░░░░░░░ of the mess I ░░░░░░░░ made out of the ░░░░░░░░ All because of my ░░░░░░░░ tariffs so beautiful They ░░░░░░░░ working so well that ░░░░░░░░ had to stop them ░░░░░░░░ The prime minister of ░░░░░░░░ big guy tears in ░░░░░░░░ eyes he called me ░░░░░░░░ he said Sir if ░░░░░░░░ do this you will ░░░░░░░░ the global economy take ░░░░░░░░ stocks and bond markets ░░░░░░░░ unite your allies against ░░░░░░░░ And I said Let ░░░░░░░░ cook Laughter And then ░░░░░░░░ burned dinner badly So ░░░░░░░░ had to stop But ░░░░░░░░ everything is back exactly ░░░░░░░░ it was minus a ░░░░░░░░ trillion dollars Laughter An ░░░░░░░░ transfer of wealth from ░░░░░░░░ middle class to my ░░░░░░░░ Oh well It s ░░░░░░░░ the stock market did ░░░░░░░░ Jesus It died then ░░░░░░░░ the third day it ░░░░░░░░ risen Laughter Then on ░░░░░░░░ fourth day it died ░░░░░░░░ Possibly never to return ░░░░░░░░ like Jesus Where the ░░░░░░░░ is that guy Come ░░░░░░░░ get me out of ░░░░░░░░ Oh and Jesus Christ ░░░░░░░░ a name we ve ░░░░░░░░ saying a lot lately ░░░░░░░░ re saying it a ░░░░░░░░ We look at our ░░░░░░░░ k and say Jesus ░░░░░░░░ where did it all ░░░░░░░░ I don t know ░░░░░░░░ we re going to ░░░░░░░░ that or not We ░░░░░░░░ see Should be interesting ░░░░░░░░ at Jesus back there ░░░░░░░░ the table like a ░░░░░░░░ Housewife Teresa Look at ░░░░░░░░ Wakim Featuring Emil Wakim ░░░░░░░░ thinks he should be ░░░░░░░░ Jesus He was telling ░░░░░░░░ backstage You know the ░░░░░░░░ Jesus would have looked ░░░░░░░░ me IRL But we ░░░░░░░░ t like to think ░░░░░░░░ that so we have ░░░░░░░░ Day there with his ░░░░░░░░ beautiful blue eyes He ░░░░░░░░ like Oh no wait ░░░░░░░░ Great Clips money I ░░░░░░░░ my Great Clips money ░░░░░░░░ it s almost time ░░░░░░░░ Easter a holiday that ░░░░░░░░ so special and frankly ░░░░░░░░ to me And today ░░░░░░░░ the first day of ░░░░░░░░ for our Jewish friends ░░░░░░░░ call it Passover because ░░░░░░░░ s when we pass ░░░░░░░░ over the little kosher ░░░░░░░░ of the grocery store ░░░░░░░░ straight to that Easter ░░░░░░░░ Fish in a jar ░░░░░░░░ thanks I want a ░░░░░░░░ We love Easter We ░░░░░░░░ bunny We love hunting ░░░░░░░░ eggs just like everyone ░░░░░░░░ doing in the grocery ░░░░░░░░ right now because they ░░░░░░░░ a trillion billion dollars ░░░░░░░░ of eggs I thought ░░░░░░░░ was what the whole ░░░░░░░░ was about but I ░░░░░░░░ can t crack it ░░░░░░░░ joke There we go ░░░░░░░░ s actually kind of ░░░░░░░░ But we love Easter ░░░░░░░░ s the day where ░░░░░░░░ most homophobic people try ░░░░░░░░ dress as gay as ░░░░░░░░ Darling have you seen ░░░░░░░░ bonnet Daddy looks lovely ░░░░░░░░ his Pink seersucker But ░░░░░░░░ are looking forward to ░░░░░░░░ mass definitely Easter Mass ░░░░░░░░ always packed right You ░░░░░░░░ it s sad Some ░░░░░░░░ only go to church ░░░░░░░░ Christmas and Easter Not ░░░░░░░░ I don t go ░░░░░░░░ those days either But ░░░░░░░░ love to pray I ░░░░░░░░ a lot I pray ░░░░░░░░ much they call me ░░░░░░░░ Look at all them ░░░░░░░░ there Look at Sarah ░░░░░░░░ stuck with her mouth ░░░░░░░░ Bad choice Hey Kenan ░░░░░░░░ back there too I ░░░░░░░░ Kenan Thompson Yeah I ░░░░░░░░ leaving Johnson as Trump ░░░░░░░░ can t what are ░░░░░░░░ doing You can t ░░░░░░░░ Kenan Thompson Yeah I ░░░░░░░░ Johnson as Trump Okay ░░░░░░░░ guess it s Kenan ░░░░░░░░ he can go Ego ░░░░░░░░ thinking about it She ░░░░░░░░ to Oh she s ░░░░░░░░ about walking Do I ░░░░░░░░ the juice to scoot ░░░░░░░░ don t know She ░░░░░░░░ a big hit last ░░░░░░░░ Miss Eggy Cheering and ░░░░░░░░ But she s not ░░░░░░░░ do it Cause these ░░░░░░░░ ain t what Don ░░░░░░░░ say it don t ░░░░░░░░ it We ll get ░░░░░░░░ trouble Anyway what else ░░░░░░░░ got What else I ░░░░░░░░ I uh at my ░░░░░░░░ physical this week they ░░░░░░░░ I m in great ░░░░░░░░ One of the best ░░░░░░░░ lump So in conclursion ░░░░░░░░ U S dollar has ░░░░░░░░ and gone to money ░░░░░░░░ Bye bye Some people ░░░░░░░░ I don t know ░░░░░░░░ I m doing but ░░░░░░░░ actually I m playing ░░░░░░░░ dimensional chess okay Bing ░░░░░░░░ bong bong bing bing ░░░░░░░░ bing King me But ░░░░░░░░ the holiest of seasons ░░░░░░░░ let us remember the ░░░░░░░░ that Mr Jesus taught ░░░░░░░░ when he went buckwild ░░░░░░░░ those money changers We ░░░░░░░░ never mix religion with ░░░░░░░░ You can read all ░░░░░░░░ that in my Trump ░░░░░░░░ now made in America ░░░░░░░░ it costs 1 300 ░░░░░░░░ it falls apart even ░░░░░░░░ Alright should I let ░░░░░░░░ say it with me ░░░░░░░░ time I think I ░░░░░░░░ Happy Easter happy Passover ░░░░░░░░ live from New York ░░░░░░░░ s ‘Saturday Night.’”