RUSH TRANSCRIPT Welcome back ░░░░░░░░ good friend colette ferrer ░░░░░░░░ joining us live in ░░░░░░░░ this morning She s ░░░░░░░░ licensed therapist relationship expert ░░░░░░░░ author And you just ░░░░░░░░ your first tedx talk ░░░░░░░░ lady I did I ░░░░░░░░ so proud of you ░░░░░░░░ you Congratulations Thank you ░░░░░░░░ much So let s ░░░░░░░░ first about this whole ░░░░░░░░ of a tedx talk ░░░░░░░░ it is not easy ░░░░░░░░ to achieve right This ░░░░░░░░ not something that anybody ░░░░░░░░ to do So talk ░░░░░░░░ me first about the ░░░░░░░░ of even being able ░░░░░░░░ do one of these ░░░░░░░░ s much more grueling ░░░░░░░░ I anticipated I started ░░░░░░░░ I don t know ░░░░░░░░ 8 or 9 months ░░░░░░░░ And all of these ░░░░░░░░ talks are locally run ░░░░░░░░ affiliated with tedx so ░░░░░░░░ have to find out ░░░░░░░░ they are download their ░░░░░░░░ they re all different ░░░░░░░░ out your speech do ░░░░░░░░ outline submit videos get ░░░░░░░░ of recommendation and places ░░░░░░░░ tedx locations will have ░░░░░░░░ from 50 to 300 ░░░░░░░░ more applicants Wow Yes ░░░░░░░░ getting chosen is an ░░░░░░░░ Yes And I was ░░░░░░░░ chosen the first time ░░░░░░░░ I think I want ░░░░░░░░ to hear that because ░░░░░░░░ got accepted on my ░░░░░░░░ try I was rejected ░░░░░░░░ times Yeah but I ░░░░░░░░ going to keep applying ░░░░░░░░ I got one That ░░░░░░░░ absolutely incredible Yeah So ░░░░░░░░ to me about your ░░░░░░░░ because that s really ░░░░░░░░ And your topic is ░░░░░░░░ the reason that you ░░░░░░░░ in the career you ░░░░░░░░ right now So talk ░░░░░░░░ me a little bit ░░░░░░░░ that Thank you for ░░░░░░░░ So my topic was ░░░░░░░░ of a couple s ░░░░░░░░ how to find what ░░░░░░░░ missing in your relationship ░░░░░░░░ it s too late ░░░░░░░░ it s all about ░░░░░░░░ magic formula for communication ░░░░░░░░ leads to connection which ░░░░░░░░ speaking up in the ░░░░░░░░ of fear and being ░░░░░░░░ and assertive at the ░░░░░░░░ time And what really ░░░░░░░░ relationships is emotional disconnection ░░░░░░░░ I wanted to spread ░░░░░░░░ message of what I ░░░░░░░░ t do in my ░░░░░░░░ marriage and had to ░░░░░░░░ the hard way and ░░░░░░░░ is the reason that ░░░░░░░░ m a therapist I ░░░░░░░░ on a mission to ░░░░░░░░ people use their voice ░░░░░░░░ a healthy way so ░░░░░░░░ can have a deeper ░░░░░░░░ meaningful relationship I love ░░░░░░░░ if you would just ░░░░░░░░ us because tedx talk ░░░░░░░░ 15 minutes Ted talk ░░░░░░░░ right But give us ░░░░░░░░ little bit of what ░░░░░░░░ was that you weren ░░░░░░░░ doing that you wish ░░░░░░░░ were Yeah So I ░░░░░░░░ do what a lot ░░░░░░░░ people do in my ░░░░░░░░ or tell me about ░░░░░░░░ which is try to ░░░░░░░░ out an indirect signal ░░░░░░░░ what I wanted or ░░░░░░░░ test the waters a ░░░░░░░░ maybe be more passive ░░░░░░░░ passive aggressive It s ░░░░░░░░ hard to put your ░░░░░░░░ out there because it ░░░░░░░░ quite vulnerable especially if ░░░░░░░░ re not sure if ░░░░░░░░ ll be met And ░░░░░░░░ I ve learned as ░░░░░░░░ therapist and also as ░░░░░░░░ woman in her 50s ░░░░░░░░ s remarried and lived ░░░░░░░░ little is that we ░░░░░░░░ a responsibility to step ░░░░░░░░ our power and really ░░░░░░░░ to ourselves identify what ░░░░░░░░ re feeling and what ░░░░░░░░ re needing and express ░░░░░░░░ very clearly and directly ░░░░░░░░ we can t control ░░░░░░░░ other person But if ░░░░░░░░ re not doing that ░░░░░░░░ our needs aren t ░░░░░░░░ to be met and ░░░░░░░░ relationships won t be ░░░░░░░░ So give me a ░░░░░░░░ example So I want ░░░░░░░░ have you know a ░░░░░░░░ emotional connection to my ░░░░░░░░ How do I go ░░░░░░░░ having that conversation What ░░░░░░░░ some of like the ░░░░░░░░ words or maybe even ░░░░░░░░ or setting in which ░░░░░░░░ want to have it ░░░░░░░░ you probably don t ░░░░░░░░ to have that conversation ░░░░░░░░ a busy crowded restaurant ░░░░░░░░ That s a great ░░░░░░░░ And ironically people tend ░░░░░░░░ avoid conflict which really ░░░░░░░░ relationships And people don ░░░░░░░░ realize how much addressing ░░░░░░░░ constructively actually creates emotional ░░░░░░░░ So it is about ░░░░░░░░ the hard conversations and ░░░░░░░░ yourself up for success ░░░░░░░░ your partner if it ░░░░░░░░ a good time to ░░░░░░░░ a talk not being ░░░░░░░░ by devices or anything ░░░░░░░░ really focusing on one ░░░░░░░░ and always coming from ░░░░░░░░ place of self focus ░░░░░░░░ instead of projecting interpretations ░░░░░░░░ as well you don ░░░░░░░░ care about me and ░░░░░░░░ s why you didn ░░░░░░░░ come to my dinner ░░░░░░░░ It s when you ░░░░░░░░ t come to my ░░░░░░░░ I felt hurt and ░░░░░░░░ And the story in ░░░░░░░░ mind is that you ░░░░░░░░ t care about me ░░░░░░░░ Is that true Because ░░░░░░░░ what we re looking ░░░░░░░░ is to check out ░░░░░░░░ misperceptions and get some ░░░░░░░░ No I do care ░░░░░░░░ you I m so ░░░░░░░░ I didn t know ░░░░░░░░ dinner was important to ░░░░░░░░ Right And then we ░░░░░░░░ a deeper connection We ░░░░░░░░ each other We re ░░░░░░░░ guessing what s going ░░░░░░░░ inside that other person ░░░░░░░░ of the things I ░░░░░░░░ hear a therapist say ░░░░░░░░ you probably will echo ░░░░░░░░ is that couples come ░░░░░░░░ you Usually when things ░░░░░░░░ past the point of ░░░░░░░░ return instead of coming ░░░░░░░░ you as sort of ░░░░░░░░ maintenance Right Like an ░░░░░░░░ change Right Like we ░░░░░░░░ together and we love ░░░░░░░░ other But let s ░░░░░░░░ there a better way ░░░░░░░░ us to communicate Let ░░░░░░░░ go to therapy Usually ░░░░░░░░ come to a therapist ░░░░░░░░ they think oh my ░░░░░░░░ we re headed to ░░░░░░░░ court But as our ░░░░░░░░ ditch effort let s ░░░░░░░░ see colette right And ░░░░░░░░ that point it s ░░░░░░░░ difficult for you to ░░░░░░░░ to help Yeah I ░░░░░░░░ that s very typical ░░░░░░░░ couples will come seven ░░░░░░░░ too late is what ░░░░░░░░ research shows But fortunately ░░░░░░░░ generations And now I ░░░░░░░░ think it s filtering ░░░░░░░░ a little bit to ░░░░░░░░ couples as well or ░░░░░░░░ the value of improving ░░░░░░░░ even when things are ░░░░░░░░ And I ll have ░░░░░░░░ premarital couples now come ░░░░░░░░ and say we want ░░░░░░░░ really connected relationship that ░░░░░░░░ We want to build ░░░░░░░░ intimacy and we need ░░░░░░░░ getting to that deeper ░░░░░░░░ I love that if ░░░░░░░░ would like to watch ░░░░░░░░ Ted talk colette what ░░░░░░░░ they do How do ░░░░░░░░ watch it So it ░░░░░░░░ not out yet It ░░░░░░░░ about 2 to 6 ░░░░░░░░ for Ted to approve ░░░░░░░░ But you can go ░░░░░░░░ my website Colette Jane ░░░░░░░░ com I have a ░░░░░░░░ newsletter called the vim ░░░░░░░░ and if you put ░░░░░░░░ email in I ll ░░░░░░░░ sending it out to ░░░░░░░░ as soon as it ░░░░░░░░ as soon as it ░░░░░░░░ posted And of course ░░░░░░░░ will be on youtube ░░░░░░░░ as well All right ░░░░░░░░ re so proud of ░░░░░░░░ Thank you Congratulations And ░░░░░░░░ you for what you ░░░░░░░░ Thanks for making a ░░░░░░░░ in the lives of ░░░░░░░░ colette Thank you a ░░░░░░░░ person All right We ░░░░░░░░ going to send it ░░░░░░░░ to studio a Ryan ░░░░░░░░ amy We re hanging ░░░░░░░░ in the green room ░░░░░░░░ colette She was entertaining ░░░░░░░░ for sure It already ░░░░░░░░ like my relationships are ░░░░░░░░