Whitney Cummings Roasts 2024: ‘Dems Couldn’t Hold a Primary Because They Were Too Busy Holding a Body Upright’

COHEN Well this was ░░░░░░░░ year that we learned ░░░░░░░░ roasts probably shouldn t ░░░░░░░░ at important live events ░░░░░░░░ Cummings it is time ░░░░░░░░ you to roast the ░░░░░░░░ Let s hear it ░░░░░░░░ Feel free to heckle ░░░░░░░░ Feel free to come ░░░░░░░░ me I do believe ░░░░░░░░ need to hold 2024 ░░░░░░░░ for its behavior That ░░░░░░░░ what white women do ░░░░░░░░ We point out other ░░░░░░░░ that are toxic because ░░░░░░░░ don t get ironies ░░░░░░░░ that is our truth ░░░░░░░░ was the year that ░░░░░░░░ were behaving so poorly ░░░░░░░░ started being wistful about ░░░░░░░░ Remember this was the ░░░░░░░░ we were like were ░░░░░░░░ Menendez brothers so bad ░░░░░░░░ we too hard on ░░░░░░░░ Menendez brothers This was ░░░░░░░░ year we could not ░░░░░░░░ enough of murderers Gypsy ░░░░░░░░ became our favorite celebrity ░░░░░░░░ murdering your mom is ░░░░░░░░ brat They had her ░░░░░░░░ a red carpet a ░░░░░░░░ on the nose for ░░░░░░░░ murderer but she was ░░░░░░░░ posing in a fancy ░░░░░░░░ We were like slay ░░░░░░░░ she was like I ░░░░░░░░ And of course our ░░░░░░░░ of the year was ░░░░░░░░ alleged cold blooded killer ░░░░░░░░ Luigi who is now ░░░░░░░░ the same prison as ░░░░░░░░ which I m very ░░░░░░░░ about because Luigi already ░░░░░░░░ a lower back issue ░░░░░░░░ was the year nothing ░░░░░░░░ sense Fertility was down ░░░░░░░░ of baby oil was ░░░░░░░░ White supremacy groups reached ░░░░░░░░ highs It got so ░░░░░░░░ Ariana Grande became white ░░░░░░░░ 2024 totally broke our ░░░░░░░░ Half the people I ░░░░░░░░ think we re in ░░░░░░░░ simulation I m starting ░░░░░░░░ wonder when I go ░░░░░░░░ a website and it ░░░░░░░░ me if I m ░░░░░░░░ robot or not half ░░░░░░░░ time I get the ░░░░░░░░ wrong I m like ░░░░░░░░ the shadow of a ░░░░░░░░ count as a bike ░░░░░░░░ don t know Why ░░░░░░░░ I looking at a ░░░░░░░░ photo of a crack ░░░░░░░░ We just all broke ░░░░░░░░ this year Things got ░░░░░░░░ bleak we started watching ░░░░░░░░ WNBA Was that what ░░░░░░░░ And we also started ░░░░░░░░ older women in movies ░░░░░░░░ or insanity You tell ░░░░░░░░ Demi Moore was in ░░░░░░░░ movie called The Substance ░░░░░░░░ that Hollywood s ready ░░░░░░░░ a woman in her ░░░░░░░░ to star in a ░░░░░░░░ as long as a ░░░░░░░░ 28 year old wears ░░░░░░░░ leotard for most of ░░░░░░░░ Pam Anderson s getting ░░░░░░░░ buzz for a movie ░░░░░░░░ did wearing no makeup ░░░░░░░░ that s not progress ░░░░░░░░ you call it brave ░░░░░░░░ finally realized the only ░░░░░░░░ to make money is ░░░░░░░░ just make them about ░░░░░░░░ The Dallas Cowboys cheerleader ░░░░░░░░ showed the girls being ░░░░░░░░ horribly underpaid crying I ░░░░░░░░ I d open a ░░░░░░░░ on Hunter Biden s ░░░░░░░░ This is the year ░░░░░░░░ hated the movie The ░░░░░░░░ but if you do ░░░░░░░░ watching men descend into ░░░░░░░░ in a couple hours ░░░░░░░░ get to watch Andy ░░░░░░░░ do the countdown in ░░░░░░░░ Something s left us ░░░░░░░░ came back Sanity left ░░░░░░░░ somehow Crypto is back ░░░░░░░░ you guys even know ░░░░░░░░ crypto No one thought ░░░░░░░░ timing of crypto was ░░░░░░░░ As soon as women ░░░░░░░░ making money they were ░░░░░░░░ money s over Money ░░░░░░░░ over I don t ░░░░░░░░ know what crypto is ░░░░░░░░ far as I understand ░░░░░░░░ s just astrology for ░░░░░░░░ Like I don t ░░░░░░░░ election fried our brains ░░░░░░░░ Democrats couldn t hold ░░░░░░░░ primary cause they were ░░░░░░░░ busy holding a body ░░░░░░░░ Are we still rolling ░░░░░░░░ I off COHEN Go ░░░░░░░░ it CUMMINGS It was ░░░░░░░░ that the pro choice ░░░░░░░░ didn t give their ░░░░░░░░ one when it came ░░░░░░░░ the presidential candidate Kamala ░░░░░░░░ forced on us so ░░░░░░░░ you d think she ░░░░░░░░ patented by Pfizer or ░░░░░░░░ whichever one s oh ░░░░░░░░ Andy just gave me ░░░░░░░░ very scary look Let ░░░░░░░░ be clear though 2024 ░░░░░░░░ not only negative The ░░░░░░░░ wants us to believe ░░░░░░░░ country is so divided ░░░░░░░░ we actually came together ░░░░░░░░ lot this year like ░░░░░░░░ a nation we unanimously ░░░░░░░░ that we would rather ░░░░░░░░ J Lo in a ░░░░░░░░ relationship than in concert ░░░░░░░░ all agree the government ░░░░░░░░ knows what drones are ░░░░░░░░ are telling us The ░░░░░░░░ are still up there ░░░░░░░░ we have no idea ░░░░░░░░ s behind them No ░░░░░░░░ I mean they re ░░░░░░░░ up in the sky ░░░░░░░░ I guess we can ░░░░░░░░ rule out that they ░░░░░░░░ made by Boeing The ░░░░░░░░ is I think we ░░░░░░░░ agree on a lot ░░░░░░░░ things And since I ░░░░░░░░ have a minute left ░░░░░░░░ on establishment media Why ░░░░░░░░ t We just say ░░░░░░░░ bunch of things that ░░░░░░░░ know that they ll ░░░░░░░░ cover Okay ready to ░░░░░░░░ Trump shooter didn t ░░░░░░░░ any silverware in his ░░░░░░░░ no one thought that ░░░░░░░░ weird Are we still ░░░░░░░░ Crown Prince of Saudi ░░░░░░░░ put money into Disney ░░░░░░░░ just know there won ░░░░░░░░ be any girl characters ░░░░░░░░ the next Cars movie ░░░░░░░░ I get are we ░░░░░░░░ rolling This is wild ░░░░░░░░ Why so many presidents ░░░░░░░░ died Weird Boy Scout ░░░░░░░░ America they renamed itself ░░░░░░░░ America You know how ░░░░░░░░ change their name Sean ░░░░░░░░ Just saying let s ░░░░░░░░ something in 2025 I ░░░░░░░░ t believe you guys ░░░░░░░░ still letting me go ░░░░░░░░ is amazing I love ░░░░░░░░ Please stop me Andy ░░░░░░░░ I will just keep ░░░░░░░░ COHEN Happy New Year ░░░░░░░░ Cummings CUMMINGS Am I ░░░░░░░░ streaming COHEN Yes CUMMINGS ░░░░░░░░ s amazing COHEN We ░░░░░░░░ live on CNN You ░░░░░░░░ cool as a cucumber ░░░░░░░░ No censorship on CNN ░░░░░░░░ Thank you very much ░░░░░░░░ I love you guys ░░░░░░░░ for having me COHEN ░░░░░░░░ you CUMMINGS What a ░░░░░░░░ Oh no COHEN What ░░░░░░░░ dream CUMMINGS Oh Anderson ░░░░░░░░ melting down COOPER I ░░░░░░░░ understood like half the ░░░░░░░░ So I m not ░░░░░░░░ pop culture fan COHEN ░░░░░░░░ doesn t know CUMMINGS ░░░░░░░░ tried to bring up ░░░░░░░░ documentary COHEN He doesn ░░░░░░░░ know I know He ░░░░░░░░ t see the Dallas ░░░░░░░░ CUMMINGS You didn t ░░░░░░░░ the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader ░░░░░░░░ COOPER Although I no ░░░░░░░░ I ve heard about ░░░░░░░░ I ve heard about ░░░░░░░░ COHEN We have a ░░░░░░░░ more ahead as we ░░░░░░░░ goodbye to 2024 and ░░░░░░░░ the new year in ░░░░░░░░ moment a performance from ░░░░░░░░ Twain Plus we re ░░░░░░░░ to check in with ░░░░░░░░ Kaye She s back ░░░░░░░░ Key West, Florida.”