Chris Rock’s SNL Monologue: Trump Survived an Assassination Attempt, Won the Presidency ... ‘It Could Happen to a Nicer Guy’

ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen ░░░░░░░░ Rock Cheering and Applause ░░░░░░░░ Thank you Thank you ░░░░░░░░ you very much Yes ░░░░░░░░ to Saturday Night Live ░░░░░░░░ is the 50th anniversary ░░░░░░░░ Saturday Night Live Been ░░░░░░░░ for 50 years I ░░░░░░░░ to congratulate Lorne Michaels ░░░░░░░░ 25 great years of ░░░░░░░░ Night Live There s ░░░░░░░░ lot going on in ░░░░░░░░ news My God it ░░░░░░░░ so crazy out there ░░░░░░░░ s so hard just ░░░░░░░░ in the building tonight ░░░░░░░░ much security My God ░░░░░░░░ God I had to ░░░░░░░░ by a bunch of ░░░░░░░░ oil sniffing dogs It ░░░░░░░░ insane Everybody s worried ░░░░░░░░ s worried I mean ░░░░░░░░ got Luigi We got ░░░░░░░░ you know and that ░░░░░░░░ good I really feel ░░░░░░░░ for the for the ░░░░░░░░ I mean everybody s ░░░░░░░░ on how good looking ░░░░░░░░ guy looks If he ░░░░░░░░ like Jonah Hill no ░░░░░░░░ would care They d ░░░░░░░░ already given him the ░░░░░░░░ already He d be ░░░░░░░░ okay But he actually ░░░░░░░░ a man A man ░░░░░░░░ man with a family ░░░░░░░░ man with kids man ░░░░░░░░ mean I have condolences ░░░░░░░░ have real condolences for ░░░░░░░░ know the health care ░░░░░░░░ I mean this is ░░░░░░░░ real person you know ░░░░░░░░ you also got to ░░░░░░░░ you know sometimes drug ░░░░░░░░ get shot Laughter and ░░░░░░░░ All right I mean ░░░░░░░░ ve seen The Wire ░░░░░░░░ It s been a ░░░░░░░░ year for my people ░░░░░░░░ blacks It s been ░░░░░░░░ s not been a ░░░░░░░░ year Kamala and Diddy ░░░░░░░░ Jake Paul beating Mike ░░░░░░░░ What the hell Who ░░░░░░░░ this Jake Paul He ░░░░░░░░ a 27 year old ░░░░░░░░ a 60 year old ░░░░░░░░ in the face Is ░░░░░░░░ what the white man ░░░░░░░░ reduced himself to Stop ░░░░░░░░ Well who s he ░░░░░░░░ to fight next Morgan ░░░░░░░░ I hate Jake Paul ░░░░░░░░ got I got a ░░░░░░░░ hate for him I ░░░░░░░░ him I hate him ░░░░░░░░ cocaine hates monogamy The ░░░░░░░░ thing big thing Trump ░░░░░░░░ Trump Trump man Trump ░░░░░░░░ a good year man ░░░░░░░░ survived an assassination attempt ░░░░░░░░ an assassination attempt won ░░░░░░░░ the presidency again by ░░░░░░░░ the popular vote was ░░░░░░░░ named TIME man of ░░░░░░░░ year You know it ░░░░░░░░ happen to a nicer ░░░░░░░░ Laughter You know A ░░░░░░░░ of people are scared ░░░░░░░░ s like Oh my ░░░░░░░░ he s going to ░░░░░░░░ so undignified And when ░░░░░░░░ say a lot of ░░░░░░░░ I m talking about ░░░░░░░░ nine New Yorkers that ░░░░░░░░ t vote for him ░░░░░░░░ No no no no ░░░░░░░░ are like He s ░░░░░░░░ to be so undignified ░░░░░░░░ s the presidency of ░░░░░░░░ United States Dude it ░░░░░░░░ the United States presidency ░░░░░░░░ s not you know ░░░░░░░░ on We ve had ░░░░░░░░ presidents in the United ░░░░░░░░ Come on man This ░░░░░░░░ not the most dignified ░░░░░░░░ in the world You ░░░░░░░░ we ve had presidents ░░░░░░░░ up to the inauguration ░░░░░░░░ pregnant slaves okay Laughter ░░░░░░░░ And I m just ░░░░░░░░ about Bill Clinton Laughter ░░░░░░░░ mean you know what ░░░░░░░░ we live in You ░░░░░░░░ the history of this ░░░░░░░░ You know you know ░░░░░░░░ many rapists are in ░░░░░░░░ wallet right now Laughter ░░░░░░░░ a cup of coffee ░░░░░░░░ America costs seven rapists ░░░░░░░░ And Trump s going ░░░░░░░░ get it down to ░░░░░░░░ That s right man ░░░░░░░░ s crazy Menendez Brothers ░░░░░░░░ out of jail Menendez ░░░░░░░░ Yeah Getting out of ░░░░░░░░ just in time to ░░░░░░░░ deported Laughter Trump is ░░░░░░░░ to deport their ass ░░░░░░░░ murdering Mexicans Trump is ░░░░░░░░ playing man That s ░░░░░░░░ This time is totally ░░░░░░░░ He s working with ░░░░░░░░ number one African American ░░░░░░░░ the world the richest ░░░░░░░░ American in the world ░░░░░░░░ Musk Laughter That s ░░░░░░░░ He is African American ░░░░░░░░ got more kids than ░░░░░░░░ Cleveland Browns Laughter That ░░░░░░░░ right Nobody knows how ░░░░░░░░ get rid of people ░░░░░░░░ a South African Audience ░░░░░░░░ Oh he s serious ░░░░░░░░ is not playing He ░░░░░░░░ Elon They re going ░░░░░░░░ put him in a ░░░░░░░░ ship and call it ░░░░░░░░ Laughter Oh yeah J ░░░░░░░░ is going to marry ░░░░░░░░ again just so she ░░░░░░░░ stay in the country ░░░░░░░░ I know she s ░░░░░░░░ Mexican But Trump don ░░░░░░░░ know that Laughter It ░░░░░░░░ just a big ol ░░░░░░░░ stew Trying to keep ░░░░░░░░ out My God You ░░░░░░░░ a lot less immigrants ░░░░░░░░ come into America if ░░░░░░░░ stopped paying them 700 ░░░░░░░░ to play baseball Laughter ░░░░░░░░ s right Steve Cohen ░░░░░░░░ one Dominican for 700 ░░░░░░░░ Used to be able ░░░░░░░░ get a whole bushel ░░░░░░░░ that much Laughter I ░░░░░░░░ bushel In the big ░░░░░░░░ this week that s ░░░░░░░░ man Joe Biden pardoned ░░░░░░░░ son Hunter Biden I ░░░░░░░░ hand it to Joe ░░░░░░░░ You know he don ░░░░░░░░ move as fast as ░░░░░░░░ used to He don ░░░░░░░░ talk as fast as ░░░░░░░░ used to you know ░░░░░░░░ that middle finger still ░░░░░░░░ boy Laughter and Applause ░░░░░░░░ s right man And ░░░░░░░░ are complaining got the ░░░░░░░░ to complain Like only ░░░░░░░░ animal would not pardon ░░░░░░░░ son oh my God ░░░░░░░░ going home to your ░░░░░░░░ if you didn t ░░░░░░░░ your son Every parent ░░░░░░░░ the world would pardon ░░░░░░░░ son except the parents ░░░░░░░░ the Menendez Brothers Laughter ░░░░░░░░ we got a great ░░░░░░░░ for you tonight Gracie ░░░░░░░░ is here so stick ░░░░░░░░ and we ll be ░░░░░░░░ back.”