‘CNZen’: SNL Parodies Trump-Hating Liberals with Ad for CNN App with ‘Indictment ASMR’

NARRATOR These days it ░░░░░░░░ hard not to feel ░░░░░░░░ out and overwhelmed Sure ░░░░░░░░ got indicted But now ░░░░░░░░ says the case against ░░░░░░░░ is weak and that ░░░░░░░░ ll never serve any ░░░░░░░░ time As someone whose ░░░░░░░░ personality is hating Donald ░░░░░░░░ you need more You ░░░░░░░░ to feel calm and ░░░░░░░░ You need the newest ░░░░░░░░ app CNZen The only ░░░░░░░░ that suits even the ░░░░░░░░ militant liberals With sensual ░░░░░░░░ from Trump s arrest ░░░░░░░░ your favorite CNN anchors ░░░░░░░░ correspondents ACTOR PLAYING Anderson ░░░░░░░░ He s the first ░░░░░░░░ president to ever be ░░░░░░░░ This is truly a ░░░░░░░░ and humiliating moment ACTOR ░░░░░░░░ Van Jones Trump is ░░░░░░░░ sad defeated man They ░░░░░░░░ him come from Florida ░░░░░░░░ it s 80 degrees ░░░░░░░░ New York where it ░░░░░░░░ only 60 degrees How ░░░░░░░░ for him ACTRESS PLAYING ░░░░░░░░ Bash And his motorcade ░░░░░░░░ t even that big ░░░░░░░░ thought it would be ░░░░░░░░ but it was so ░░░░░░░░ ACTRESS PLAYING Wolf Blitzer ░░░░░░░░ was so alone no ░░░░░░░░ or friends to support ░░░░░░░░ I shouldn t say ░░░░░░░░ as a journalist but ░░░░░░░░ a loser NARRATOR Have ░░░░░░░░ York Times reporter Maggie ░░░░░░░░ soothe you to sleep ░░░░░░░░ Shannon as Maggie Haberman ░░░░░░░░ is his worst nightmare ░░░░░░░░ he s really freaking ░░░░░░░░ because now he knows ░░░░░░░░ are consequences Consequences NARRATOR ░░░░░░░░ can also listen to ░░░░░░░░ of Trump and his ░░░░░░░░ desperately spiraling ACTOR PLAYING ░░░░░░░░ Graham Please Donald J ░░░░░░░░ is an innocent man ░░░░░░░░ he needs your help ░░░░░░░░ him all your money ░░░░░░░░ at DonaldJTrumpRU FundraisingScam guilty ░░░░░░░░ Trump s next court ░░░░░░░░ won t be till ░░░░░░░░ least December That s ░░░░░░░░ CNZen has a whole ░░░░░░░░ of Trump indictment ASMR ░░░░░░░░ Shannon as Maggie Haberman ░░░░░░░░ you hear him getting ░░░░░░░░ I m a D ░░░░░░░░ opening his big leather ░░░░░░░░ Ohhh and the little ░░░░░░░░ from the judge I ░░░░░░░░ if you ll even ░░░░░░░░ handcuffs NARRATOR With additional ░░░░░░░░ app purchases like audio ░░░░░░░░ of District Attorney Alvin ░░░░░░░░ reading all 34 felony ░░░░░░░░ Keenan Thompson as D ░░░░░░░░ Alvin Bragg Count one ░░░░░░░░ business records in the ░░░░░░░░ degree Count two falsifying ░░░░░░░░ records in the first ░░░░░░░░ Count three WOMAN I ░░░░░░░░ this couch isn t ░░░░░░░░ clumsy as the D ░░░░░░░░ s case NARRATOR CNZen ░░░░░░░░ you waited seven years ░░░░░░░░ this indictment and you ░░░░░░░░ every delicious detail Molly ░░░░░░░░ as Maggie Haberman And ░░░░░░░░ ethnicity is Trump s ░░░░░░░░ again Keenan Thompson as ░░░░░░░░ A Alvin Bragg Hispanic ░░░░░░░░ CNZen in your mind ░░░░░░░░ s already in jail.”