Jimmy Kimmel Roasts Will Smith’s Slap, Scientologist Tom Cruise, Diversity and The Irish in Oscars Opening Monologue

KIMMEL It was a ░░░░░░░░ big year for movies ░░░░░░░░ is booming I know ░░░░░░░░ like to debate now ░░░░░░░░ is better movies or ░░░░░░░░ but here s the ░░░░░░░░ No matter how good ░░░░░░░░ show is there are ░░░░░░░░ things movies can do ░░░░░░░░ TV just can t ░░░░░░░░ example a TV show ░░░░░░░░ t lose 100 million ░░░░░░░░ the gang from Babylon ░░░░░░░░ They know I was ░░░░░░░░ asking if they were ░░░░░░░░ I was welcoming them ░░░░░░░░ least Babylon got released ░░░░░░░░ August Batgirl became the ░░░░░░░░ superhero to be defeated ░░░░░░░░ an accounting department And ░░░░░░░░ we have the big ░░░░░░░░ the long long long ░░░░░░░░ Avatar The Way of ░░░░░░░░ which gave the director ░░░░░░░░ producer Jim Cameron another ░░░░░░░░ to do what he ░░░░░░░░ to do more than ░░░░░░░░ else drowning Kate Winslet ░░░░░░░░ sequel to Avatar is ░░░░░░░░ most expensive movie ever ░░░░░░░░ Disney spent 2 billion ░░░░░░░░ this movie Just to ░░░░░░░░ even all of Nick ░░░░░░░░ s kids had to ░░░░░░░░ Avatar four times And ░░░░░░░░ did I guess James ░░░░░░░░ is not here by ░░░░░░░░ way tonight You know ░░░░░░░░ show is too long ░░░░░░░░ even James Cameron can ░░░░░░░░ sit through it Some ░░░░░░░░ the cynics are saying ░░░░░░░░ Cameron isn t here ░░░░░░░░ he didn t get ░░░░░░░░ best director nomination And ░░░░░░░░ I find that very ░░░░░░░░ to believe about a ░░░░░░░░ of such deep humility ░░░░░░░░ does have a point ░░░░░░░░ mean how does the ░░░░░░░░ not nominate the guy ░░░░░░░░ directed Avatar What do ░░░░░░░░ think he is a ░░░░░░░░ Thank you ladies It ░░░░░░░░ some year for diversity ░░░░░░░░ inclusion We have nominees ░░░░░░░░ every corner of Dublin ░░░░░░░░ Irish actors are nominated ░░░░░░░░ which means the odds ░░░░░░░░ another fight onstage just ░░░░░░░░ way up And while ░░░░░░░░ re on the subject ░░░░░░░░ diversity I want to ░░░░░░░░ especially those of you ░░░░░░░░ at home there are ░░░░░░░░ number of excellent films ░░░░░░░░ performances that were not ░░░░░░░░ tonight including Till and ░░░░░░░░ Woman King which are ░░░░░░░░ based on true stories ░░░░░░░░ great performances from Danielle ░░░░░░░░ and Viola Davis that ░░░░░░░░ very worthy of your ░░░░░░░░ if you haven t ░░░░░░░░ them as is a ░░░░░░░░ independent film called Top ░░░░░░░░ Maverick The movie that ░░░░░░░░ the movies Everyone loved ░░░░░░░░ Gun Everybody I mean ░░░░░░░░ Cruise with his shirt ░░░░░░░░ in that beach football ░░░░░░░░ L Ron Hubba Hubba ░░░░░░░░ know what I m ░░░░░░░░ You know Tom and ░░░░░░░░ Cameron didn t show ░░░░░░░░ tonight The two guys ░░░░░░░░ insisted we go to ░░░░░░░░ theater didn t come ░░░░░░░░ the theater So if ░░░░░░░░ re hoping to get ░░░░░░░░ look at Tom Cruise ░░░░░░░░ is not here Or ░░░░░░░░ he is here Maybe ░░░░░░░░ s Tom Cruise right ░░░░░░░░ wearing a Judd Hirsch ░░░░░░░░ Impossible mask There s ░░░░░░░░ one way to find ░░░░░░░░ for sure Judd we ░░░░░░░░ going to need you ░░░░░░░░ drive a motorcycle off ░░░░░░░░ roof of the theater ░░░░░░░░ know who else is ░░░░░░░░ the right excellent Rihanna ░░░░░░░░ with us tonight Rihanna ░░░░░░░░ her first Oscar nomination ░░░░░░░░ the song Lift Me ░░░░░░░░ from Black Panther Wakanda ░░░░░░░░ Last month she performed ░░░░░░░░ the Super Bowl and ░░░░░░░░ Rihanna will be performing ░░░░░░░░ our halftime in just ░░░░░░░░ four and a half ░░░░░░░░ from now Rihanna has ░░░░░░░░ 9 month old backstage ░░░░░░░░ he s very cute ░░░░░░░░ pooped during rehearsal You ░░░░░░░░ who the last person ░░░░░░░░ pooped backstage at the ░░░░░░░░ was That accountant who ░░░░░░░░ up the envelopes Rihanna ░░░░░░░░ here Lady Gaga is ░░░░░░░░ wonderful My God even ░░░░░░░░ is in the building ░░░░░░░░ There he is Austin ░░░░░░░░ Austin as you know ░░░░░░░░ a first time nominee ░░░░░░░░ was so convincing as ░░░░░░░░ still is This is ░░░░░░░░ good Hollywood story Before ░░░░░░░░ started shooting Elvis Tom ░░░░░░░░ gave Austin a vintage ░░░░░░░░ as a gift and ░░░░░░░░ it Tom wrote he ░░░░░░░░ a note written from ░░░░░░░░ Tom Parker to Elvis ░░░░░░░░ then Austin used the ░░░░░░░░ to write Tom back ░░░░░░░░ Elvis Presley And they ░░░░░░░░ to know each other ░░░░░░░░ sending letters back and ░░░░░░░░ as Elvis and Tom ░░░░░░░░ just goes to show ░░░░░░░░ how incredibly silly this ░░░░░░░░ is We have silly ░░░░░░░░ But Austin you are ░░░░░░░░ talented I know Elvis ░░░░░░░░ ve loved your performance ░░░░░░░░ fact according to my ░░░░░░░░ Reddit page he did ░░░░░░░░ know this is a ░░░░░░░░ night for you We ░░░░░░░░ you to have fun ░░░░░░░░ want you to feel ░░░░░░░░ And most importantly we ░░░░░░░░ me to feel safe ░░░░░░░░ we have strict policies ░░░░░░░░ place If anyone in ░░░░░░░░ theater commits an act ░░░░░░░░ violence at any point ░░░░░░░░ the show you will ░░░░░░░░ awarded the Oscar for ░░░░░░░░ actor and permitted to ░░░░░░░░ a 19 minute long ░░░░░░░░ No but seriously The ░░░░░░░░ has a crisis team ░░░░░░░░ place If anything unpredictable ░░░░░░░░ violent happens during the ░░░░░░░░ just do what you ░░░░░░░░ last year nothing Sit ░░░░░░░░ and do absolutely nothing ░░░░░░░░ even give the assailant ░░░░░░░░ hug And if any ░░░░░░░░ you get mad at ░░░░░░░░ joke and decide you ░░░░░░░░ to come up here ░░░░░░░░ get jiggy with it ░░░░░░░░ s not going to ░░░░░░░░ easy There are a ░░░░░░░░ of my friends you ░░░░░░░░ going to have to ░░░░░░░░ through first You re ░░░░░░░░ to have to get ░░░░░░░░ the heavyweight champ Adonis ░░░░░░░░ before you get to ░░░░░░░░ You re going to ░░░░░░░░ to do battle with ░░░░░░░░ Yeoh before you get ░░░░░░░░ me You re going ░░░░░░░░ have to beat the ░░░░░░░░ before you get to ░░░░░░░░ You re going to ░░░░░░░░ to tangle with Spider ░░░░░░░░ You are going to ░░░░░░░░ to tangle with Fabelman ░░░░░░░░ then you re going ░░░░░░░░ have to go through ░░░░░░░░ right hand man Guillermo ░░░░░░░░ you want to get ░░░░░░░░ to this stage Oh ░░░░░░░░ a minute The other ░░░░░░░░ Not del Toro Yes ░░░░░░░░ one OK there you ░░░░░░░░ I know he s ░░░░░░░░ but make no mistake ░░░░░░░░ even so much as ░░░░░░░░ at me that sweet ░░░░░░░░ man will beat the ░░░░░░░░ T r out of ░░░░░░░░ There will be no ░░░░░░░░ tonight We have no ░░░░░░░░ for shenanigans This is ░░░░░░░░ celebration of everyone here ░░░░░░░░ told us you wanted ░░░░░░░░ the categories back in ░░░░░░░░ we listened They re ░░░░░░░░ back in We will ░░░░░░░░ showing all 23 categories ░░░░░░░░ tonight except for one ░░░░░░░░ tonight best picture went ░░░░░░░░ All Quiet on the ░░░░░░░░ Front Congratulations to Germany ░░░░░░░░ put all the categories ░░░░░░░░ in because the movie ░░░░░░░░ wanted it Almost as ░░░░░░░░ as the television community ░░░░░░░░ t want it So ░░░░░░░░ complaining about how long ░░░░░░░░ show is I saw ░░░░░░░░ your movies Now it ░░░░░░░░ my turn to make ░░░░░░░░ sit in a theater ░░░░░░░░ three and a half ░░░░░░░░ That doesn t mean ░░░░░░░░ don t want to ░░░░░░░░ you speak we do ░░░░░░░░ want your speeches to ░░░░░░░░ moving We also want ░░░░░░░░ keep it moving So ░░░░░░░░ your speech goes on ░░░░░░░░ long this year we ░░░░░░░░ not going to play ░░░░░░░░ offstage Instead we have ░░░░░░░░ group of performers from ░░░░░░░░ movie RRR who are ░░░░░░░░ to dance you offstage ░░░░░░░░ you go too long ░░░░░░░░ re going to Bollywood ░░░░░░░░ Show your ass So ░░░░░░░░ s get this going ░░░░░░░░ welcome our first presenters ░░░░░░░░ the night Dwayne Johnson ░░░░░░░░ Emily Blunt.”