Stewart Dedicates Segment ‘War on Christmas: Sh*t’s Getting Weird’ to Fox’s Kelly

STEWART Look we all ░░░░░░░░ Christmas is everyone s ░░░░░░░░ holiday everyone s Everyone ░░░░░░░░ But it s very ░░░░░░░░ for even our staunchest ░░░░░░░░ of Christmas to keep ░░░░░░░░ spirit of the season ░░░░░░░░ Christmas its very essence ░░░░░░░░ under constant siege by ░░░░░░░░ something It s the ░░░░░░░░ of our new segment ░░░░░░░░ on Christmas Shit s ░░░░░░░░ Weird Edition First up ░░░░░░░░ General Patton of the ░░░░░░░░ on Christmas Start Clip ░░░░░░░░ There s a crazier ░░░░░░░░ out there Remember this ░░░░░░░░ Seinfeld moment Start Clip ░░░░░░░░ Out of that a ░░░░░░░░ holiday was born a ░░░░░░░░ for the rest of ░░░░░░░░ End Clip CARSON Now ░░░░░░░░ that s a classic ░░░░░░░░ I mean it was ░░░░░░░░ funny but not Festivus ░░░░░░░░ Clip STEWART Not funny ░░░░░░░░ that episode was funny ░░░░░░░░ not Festivus the central ░░░░░░░░ conceit of that episode ░░░░░░░░ funny Wait why is ░░░░░░░░ not a holiday for ░░░░░░░░ rest of us Start ░░░░░░░░ CARSON Now a nearly ░░░░░░░░ foot tall Festivus pole ░░░░░░░░ from empty beer cans ░░░░░░░░ to go up at ░░░░░░░░ Florida State Capitol I ░░░░░░░░ not kidding It s ░░░░░░░░ of a not so ░░░░░░░░ protest against the nativity ░░░░░░░░ already on display there ░░░░░░░░ Clip STEWART Who gives ░░░░░░░░ shit Can t you ░░░░░░░░ pretend it s a ░░░░░░░░ for the wise men ░░░░░░░░ tie up their camels ░░░░░░░░ about that Really You ░░░░░░░░ concerned there s a ░░░░░░░░ foot Festivus pole made ░░░░░░░░ of beer cans It ░░░░░░░░ Florida You are lucky ░░░░░░░░ s not a stripper ░░░░░░░░ Christmas swinging on it ░░░░░░░░ you been to Florida ░░░░░░░░ apologize you re upset ░░░░░░░░ Clip CARSON Why do ░░░░░░░░ have to drive around ░░░░░░░░ my kids to look ░░░░░░░░ nativity scenes and be ░░░░░░░░ oh yeah kids look ░░░░░░░░ s baby Jesus behind ░░░░░░░░ Festivus poll made out ░░░░░░░░ beer cans It s ░░░░░░░░ End Clip STEWART Yes ░░░░░░░░ sounds relatively nuts Why ░░░░░░░░ you driving around looking ░░░░░░░░ nativity scenes in the ░░░░░░░░ when you could just ░░░░░░░░ your kids to where ░░░░░░░░ work where you put ░░░░░░░░ giant nativity scene out ░░░░░░░░ the plaza But as ░░░░░░░░ as I m used ░░░░░░░░ Gretchen s yearly manger ░░░░░░░░ warnings I m a ░░░░░░░░ surprised to see Megyn ░░░░░░░░ going full Christmas nog ░░░░░░░░ Clip KELLY So in ░░░░░░░░ they have a piece ░░░░░░░░ Santa Claus should not ░░░░░░░░ a white man anymore ░░░░░░░░ the way for all ░░░░░░░░ kids watching at home ░░░░░░░░ just is white but ░░░░░░░░ person is just arguing ░░░░░░░░ maybe we should also ░░░░░░░░ a black Santa But ░░░░░░░░ is what he is ░░░░░░░░ just so you know ░░░░░░░░ re just debating this ░░░░░░░░ someone wrote about it ░░░░░░░░ End Clip STEWART Shit ░░░░░░░░ got real Santa is ░░░░░░░░ white And who are ░░░░░░░░ actually talking to Children ░░░░░░░░ are sophisticated enough to ░░░░░░░░ watching a news channel ░░░░░░░░ 10 00 at night ░░░░░░░░ innocent enough to still ░░░░░░░░ Santa Claus is real ░░░░░░░░ racist enough to be ░░░░░░░░ out if he isn ░░░░░░░░ white Why that s ░░░░░░░░ a narrow yes West ░░░░░░░░ there is a Santa ░░░░░░░░ But since we re ░░░░░░░░ to debate this carry ░░░░░░░░ Start Clip KELLY The ░░░░░░░░ seems to have you ░░░░░░░░ she s African American ░░░░░░░░ she seems to have ░░░░░░░░ pain at having grown ░░░░░░░░ with this image of ░░░░░░░░ white Santa Just because ░░░░░░░░ makes you feel uncomfortable ░░░░░░░░ t mean it has ░░░░░░░░ change End Clip STEWART ░░░░░░░░ I think that s ░░░░░░░░ official slogan of oppression ░░░░░░░░ just because it makes ░░░░░░░░ feel uncomfortable doesn t ░░░░░░░░ it has to change ░░░░░░░░ know what s interesting ░░░░░░░░ s also the slogan ░░░░░░░░ Arby s I don ░░░░░░░░ know why we do ░░░░░░░░ they are perfectly nice ░░░░░░░░ and they make perfectly ░░░░░░░░ food I don t ░░░░░░░░ why we continue to ░░░░░░░░ this Now you may ░░░░░░░░ why on this news ░░░░░░░░ they are making assertions ░░░░░░░░ fact about a fictional ░░░░░░░░ Start Clip PUNDIT Santa ░░░░░░░░ is based on St ░░░░░░░░ who was an actual ░░░░░░░░ a Greek bishop and ░░░░░░░░ a white man You ░░░░░░░░ t take facts and ░░░░░░░░ try to change them ░░░░░░░░ fit some sort of ░░░░░░░░ political agenda or a ░░░░░░░░ agenda End Clip STEWART ░░░░░░░░ is so much crazy ░░░░░░░░ on here So much ░░░░░░░░ I don t even ░░░░░░░░ time to deal with ░░░░░░░░ Fox News pundit saying ░░░░░░░░ can t take facts ░░░░░░░░ try and change them ░░░░░░░░ fit some kind of ░░░░░░░░ political agenda I can ░░░░░░░░ say that even though ░░░░░░░░ s how much crazy ░░░░░░░░ going on here But ░░░░░░░░ she is suggesting is ░░░░░░░░ you can t just ░░░░░░░░ change the facts about ░░░░░░░░ real historical St Nicholas ░░░░░░░░ was a white man ░░░░░░░░ though he was from ░░░░░░░░ which is actually Turkey ░░░░░░░░ and that white man ░░░░░░░░ at the North Pole ░░░░░░░░ drives a sleigh pulled ░░░░░░░░ flying reindeer But you ░░░░░░░░ t change the facts ░░░░░░░░ course the real St ░░░░░░░░ was from a part ░░░░░░░░ the world that is ░░░░░░░░ Turkey And according to ░░░░░░░░ scientists who studied research ░░░░░░░░ commissioned by the Vatican ░░░░░░░░ probably looks something like ░░░░░░░░ So who exactly is ░░░░░░░░ the facts to make ░░░░░░░░ more comfortable here Actual ░░░░░░░░ Nicholas Well my guess ░░░░░░░░ there would be no ░░░░░░░░ if he looked like ░░░░░░░░ dude because he is ░░░░░░░░ still on the no ░░░░░░░░ list And then things ░░░░░░░░ really weird Start Clip ░░░░░░░░ Jesus was a white ░░░░░░░░ too but you know ░░░░░░░░ s like we have ░░░░░░░░ was an historical figure ░░░░░░░░ mean that s a ░░░░░░░░ fact End Clip STEWART ░░░░░░░░ ll give that to ░░░░░░░░ Jesus was a historical ░░░░░░░░ But you re going ░░░░░░░░ get a little pushback ░░░░░░░░ the white thing You ░░░░░░░░ know that Jesus wasn ░░░░░░░░ born in Bethlehem Pennsylvania ░░░░░░░░