Colbert: Lawmakers Obsessed with Transgender Bathroom Issues Are the Weirdos
COLBERT: "Well, here is where I stand. I know you want to know where I stand on this. Here's the thing. I don't care if you're male or female, what sex or gender identity someone is, I-- and I mean this sincerely-- do not want to share a bathroom with anyone. Okay. For two reasons... Number one and number two. No, I don't. Whose idea was it to have all of us in there together anyway? That's what's wrong. I don't know about you, but my bathroom at home is not a two-seater. And when I am forced to use a public bathroom-- which is infrequently, thank god! I go in there with blinders on. I don't know who's next to me. It could be a centaur for all I know. I don't even like to look myself in the mirror. I know what I did. I am there for a surgical strike. Get in, get out, with minimal casualties. So if there are going to be any new bathroom laws, here are some that we actually need. First off, no chitchat. I am not there to make friends. If we have just come out of a movie, and you are standing next to me, I don't want to talk about how irreplaceable Robert Downey Jr. Is as Iron Man. I don't care if you're Robert Downey Jr. yourself. Second, if you're a fan of mine, that's wonderful. Please do not try to shake my hand in there because I know what you just shook. Also, if there are a bunch of open stalls, don't take the one next to me. It's not the buddy system! Those are just a few suggestions. And to all those lawmakers who are so obsessed with who is using what bathroom and what plumbing they've got downtown, news flash-- you're the weirdoes."