Stephen Colbert Mocks Howard Schultz for ‘Suspending’ His DOA Independent Presidential Campaign
COLBERT: “But Schultz does have a good excuse for taking a break. In a campaign e-mail, he said, 'Dear friends...' — Friends? Plural? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Howard. But go on. 'I unfortunately experienced acute back pain that required me to cut my travels short. I underwent three separate back surgeries. Today, I am feeling much better, and my doctors foresee a full recovery.' Well, that’s great news. Although, I do have a hunch how he got hurt. 'Guys, have you seen my polling numbers? There’s only one dignified way out of this. Quick, throw me down a flight of stairs!'
(Laughter and Applause)
But in light of this news, I do have my own announcement. Dear friends, as of today, I am officially suspending caring about Howard Schultz. I have not discussed this with my family or with my spiritual adviser. I tried to, but no one wanted to talk about Howard Schultz.”